


The Black Lotus

by misseshermionemalfoy



Category: The Grisha Trilogy - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Grooming, Power Imbalance, anti mal, baghra likes to whack people with a stick, crushes malaria with my bare hands, grisha school!, literally every character in the series, little alina gets to go to school, the gang's all here
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-14
Updated: 2019-07-17
Packaged: 2019-08-02 04:23:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 7
Words: 22,562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16298108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/misseshermionemalfoy/pseuds/misseshermionemalfoy
Summary: Alina’s story as an eight-year-old who’s just discovered she’s Ravka’s savior. She grows up with the favor of the Darkling and all the girls in her classes want to be her. She struggles at first to use her power but as soon as she lets Keramzin go she blossoms into a Black Lotus, the Darkling’s protege.She lets go of Mal and her past and clings to the future.Snippet:I cradled his head in my arms and looked into his eyes. “I am nothing without you! You’ve done so much for me and the last thing I said to you was horrible!” I pressed a ginger kiss to his black hair.I leaned away from him and saw he was giving me a watery smile, “You are the sun, Alina. Everything revolves around you, I am merely the darkness giving you contrast to shine.”Updates every other Sunday





	1. Before

**Author's Note:**

> I’ve decided to proceed with the story as I originally planned. This story is incredibly dear to me. I wrote this before I had really solidified my style. Please bear with as I put up the final chapters!

*~*~*

 

**BEFORE**

 

*~*~*

 

_ “You’re very right. Anyone can boil water. But not just anyone can master the Small Science. That’s why we’ve come to test you.” She turned to Ana Kuya. “Leave us now.” _

_  
_ _ “Wait!” exclaimed Mal. “What happens if we’re Grisha? What happens to us?” _

_  
_ _ The woman in red looked down at them. “If, by some small chance,  _ one _ of you is Grisha, then that lucky child will go to a special school where Grisha learn to use their talents.” _

__  
_ “You will have the finest clothes, the finest food, whatever your heart desires,” said the man in _ _  
_ __ purple. “Would you like that?”

 

_ “It is the greatest way that you may serve your King,” said Ana Kuya, still hovering by the door. _

 

Alina tried not to panic when she was dragged, kicking and screaming away from Mal. The woman in red brought her into an empty room and held her hand tightly. Something… beastly roared inside her. Something that had been trying to get out of her for years she’d just never been able to put a name to it. 

 

“Alina it’s ok,” the woman in red said. 

 

But Alina knew it was most certainly not ok. If she was grisha then she would be separated from Mal and she couldn’t live with that. 

 

She forced the power down but as the woman squeezed her hand it surged out of her and covered the room in bright, warm light. 

 

There was a gasp and a muttered oath from the woman in red and she let go of Alina’s hand. Alina felt, warm and comfortable for the first time in a very long time. The woman was muttering something to the man in blue. 

 

“...Yes we’ll have to take her immediately, no time to send word.” 

 

Alina’s heart plummeted. The door on the other side of the upstairs was still closed and she could hear Mal yelling “I want to see her! Let me see her before you take her!” 

 

Alina started crying. She needed to say goodbye to Mal. 

 

The woman in red led her down the stairs and Ana Kuya dressed her in her warmest coat and they were off in the troika, pulled by three black horses. 

 

She would soon learn black was the color that haunted her dreams. 


	2. Enter, The Green Lotus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alina is taken to the Little Palace to meet the Darkling. She spends her first week sharing meals with him. She meets the king... and doesn't think much of him. Alina has her first day at grisha school and it doesn't go as planned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, welcome to the meat of this fic!

*~*~* 

 

**CHAPTER 1**

 

*~*~*

 

I was terrified the whole ride. The woman in red, who I’d learned was a healer, and whose name was Sasha, told me I had a very special gift. She’d called me a  _ Sun Summoner _ . I hadn’t the faintest idea what that meant. All I knew was that we were going impossibly fast in the troika and hadn’t stopped except to change horses. 

 

The man in blue was nice enough to me, even gave me a sweet roll, which I devoured. We were never allowed such extravagances at the orphanage and the small display of, what was apparently, my power had made me hungry. 

 

We carried on like that for four days until we reached the walls of Os Alta. When we stopped the troika was standing in front of the Little Palace. 

 

I was sure they said I’d be going to a  _ school _ not directly into fight with the rest of the adult grisha. Sasha helped me out of the troika and held my hand. She spoke swiftly to the guards outside the Little Palace. 

 

“...Get a hold of one of the oprichniki and find out if the Darkling can see her… Yes, I’m positive she is what I say she is,” Sasha said. 

 

She was speaking in tones so low I could barely hear her. Was I in trouble? Did I have some forbidden power? 

 

I didn’t know much about healers although the three other grisha I’d traveled with had tried to explain the orders to me. I got them jumbled up in my head terribly. 

 

I was tired, and when I got tired I got cranky, If Mal was here he’d remember that. Mal was at least a hundred miles away back in Keramzin and that made my heart sink. 

 

We stepped inside the large gold-domed entryway of the Little Palace. It was beautiful! I’d caught a glimpse of the Grand Palace as we were entering Os Alta and I’d thought it was… hideous. 

 

A guard in grey uniform rushed back to us and said, “The Darkling wants to see her now.” 

 

Sasha nodded and stepped forward, but the oprichnik guard replied, “Just the girl.” 

 

The unfamiliar man who didn’t seem like he was grisha took my hand and lead me through a winding path to two black doors. The oprichnik knocked and then gently pushed me into the room. It was well lit, for it being the middle of winter. 

 

I’d heard a lot of awful things about the Darkling, that he was sorcerer that kept the country safe with deadly powers, among some of the more faint-hearted of rumors I’d heard. I knew I couldn’t voice that idea now and as I walked further into a room with maps and charts I saw the man who could only be the Darkling. 

 

He was exceedingly tall and broad shouldered. He looked like it would be great fun to sit on his shoulders and ride around with a bird’s eye view for the day. His skin was marble smooth and pale. He was currently writing something. 

 

I supposed I should just wait? That was good manners, right? 

 

He looked up from his writing to dip his pen in ink and something in his eyes sparkled. He left the pen in the inkpot and beckoned me forward. 

 

I walked forward and it struck me that the Darkling didn’t look much older than some of the oldest children at the orphanage. Surely he couldn’t be the one in charge of the Second Army, the second most powerful man in the kingdom? 

 

He pulled out a chair for me, I climbed into it and I stared at him in wonderment. 

 

“Little Alina,” he said, “I have been told you carry a great gift for our kingdom.” 

 

I shrugged. What did I really have to offer? “I don’t think I do.” 

 

The Darkling laughed, it was a dry sort of chuckle, but it made me smile nonetheless. 

 

“Hold my hand.” He said. 

 

I felt a strange compulsion to do just as he said. I didn’t think it was magic or sorcery, it was just that, I felt like I’d found a piece of myself I’d never known I was missing. 

 

I felt his hand and for the briefest moment, nothing happened as I fought my power down, trying to keep it buried. 

 

The Darkling looked me in the eye and I realized for what would be the first time in a series of many times that there was something… special about him. 

 

I let my power surge up and sunbeams poured out of me. 

 

This time the Darkling didn’t laugh but smiled at me. 

 

“I have been waiting for you for a very long time Alina,” he said as he let my hand go. 

 

I felt like I had discovered an older brother that I had long thought dead. He walked me out to the hallway and handed me off to one of the oprichniki. 

 

“Am I going to school tomorrow?” I asked him. 

 

“You’ll start school in a week,” the Darkling said. 

 

I gave him a look. 

 

“I want you to get used to the Little Palace and spend a couple days with me.” 

 

I made a face, “I don’t even know you,” I protested. I suddenly missed Mal and was reminded bitterly that he was back at the orphanage without me.  

 

He bent his knees and even then, he was a good deal taller than me. “ _ Dorogaya _ , it would just be to have lunch with me and see the palace grounds... and see the king.” 

 

He seemed to save the bit about the king for last.  _ Dorogaya _ . Sweetheart. Ana Kuya was never so familiar with me. I had no idea why the Darkling, of all people, was being like this. 

 

_ The King _ …

 

“I’m scared,” I said to him. 

 

“The King will be delighted to see you,” the Darkling said with some restraint. 

 

I sighed. I was tired and I wanted a warm bath (I bet they had running water here) and a long night’s sleep. 

 

“Will you help me? Then you can start lessons and meet your new friends.” 

 

I sighed. “Ok.” 

 

The oprichnik guard started walking away from the Darkling with me in tow, but the Darkling called, “Her rooms are to be adjacent to mine.” 

 

Adjacent to  _ the Darkling _ ? What was going on that I was so special? It seemed like the Darkling thought I had some magnificent power. Honestly, I thought it was pretty cool, being able to summon the light and heat of the sun but…? A room adjacent to his? 

 

*~*~* 

 

I did, indeed, get to take a bath that night and even had a maid braid my hair for me. 

 

The sun greeted me too early the next morning, I grouchily pulled the pillow over my head as the staff tried to rouse me. 

 

“Fine! I’m getting up!” I raged after twenty minutes of badgering by the staff. I’d been given the softest pajamas and a bed that felt like a cloud. It was the first good night of sleep I’d had in a long time. 

 

I noisily grouched around the whole morning until it came to getting dressed. They gave me a black, wool, kefta with a clasp at the top that was shaped like the sun in eclipse. All the maids stepped back from me and bowed their heads in a show of respect. 

 

I felt my cheeks heat. I still didn’t understand why I was so special. 

 

After a moment everything returned to normal and the maids handed me off to an oprichnik. 

 

I was brought to a small black table at the front of the Little Palace dining area. The Darkling was sitting there, sipping a cup of black tea and pushing hot porridge around his bowl. 

 

“Good morning Alina,” he said easily. 

 

I sat down and the Darkling poured me tea from a samovar. He pushed a sugar bowl and milk toward me, snapped his fingers and one of the oprichniki appeared. 

 

“Order whatever you want,” the Darkling said. 

 

I looked at him. Did he know I was an orphan, that this was beyond even  _ my _ wildest imagination? 

 

“Uh, can I have a sweet roll with strawberry jam and… an orange?” I asked. 

 

The oprichnik nodded and headed out of the room. 

 

I overloaded my tea with sugar. I hadn’t had it since the previous St. Nicholas Day and I was overjoyed. 

 

When breakfast was done, the Darkling had pushed his porridge around his bowl some more and had several more cups of tea he asked me if I was ready.

 

“Ready for what?” I asked.

 

“To talk to me,” he replied.

 

*~*~*

 

We sat in his personal sitting room. It was… dark? That, and very lavish. Apparently, the Darkling loved dark colors because the squishy armchair I was sitting on was pristine black. 

 

“So, I’m sure you’ve heard the rumors about me,” the Darkling said. 

 

“Many, some worse than others. I know it was a Darkling that created The Fold.” 

 

“Yes, he was my great-great-great-great-great grandfather.” 

 

My jaw dropped this… this Darkling was related to the Black Heretic? 

 

“Uhh...ok, can I see some of your power?” I asked brazenly. Then I thought better of it, “I mean nothing scary!” 

 

The Darkling laughed lightly, “How about I’ll save that for last?” 

 

I nodded. “What do you know about me?” I was curious if anyone had told him I came from an orphanage of a war hero. 

 

“Almost nothing, but nearly everything important.” He had a knack for riddles. 

 

I rested my head against my hand. “I’m from a poor orphanage in Keramzin. My best friend is a boy named Malyen Oretsev. He is not grisha and I miss him dearly. I can’t remember my parents. I want to help you but I don’t understand why I’m being treated differently. You just told me you’d been waiting a long time for me, but I don’t understand what I’m supposed to do. I’m terribly confused and homesick.” I doubt he’d expected that kind of rant. 

 

He pursed his lips and steepled his fingers. “A significant donation will be made to the Duke’s orphanage.”

 

That was better than I was expecting. It would be nice for everyone to get new clothes and new school books. 

 

The Darkling hummed to himself for a moment and then started in on his own long talk. “Do you understand what you can do Alina?” It wasn’t a question. “You summon the heat and light of the sun, I know you’ve heard of The Fold. There are creatures in The Fold called volcara. They were the Black Heretic’s punishment for his greed. The volcara feast on human flesh,” I gave a terrible shudder at that and he smiled kindly at me, “They can’t get you here. You are always safe when you’re with me.” He continued, “You must’ve been taught about how The Fold leaves Ravka landlocked and severs us from our ports in Os Kervo?” 

 

I nodded. 

 

“Your light could obliterate The Fold,” he said slowly. “You are Ravka’s salvation.” 

 

I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t realize it but a feeling of terror so overwhelming had moved me to the door. I couldn’t save my country! I was a little girl. An orphan,  _ a nothing _ . 

 

The Darkling sighed. “ _ Dorogaya. _ No one is going to ask you to do anything that makes you uncomfortable.” 

 

I shuddered. “Can I go home? I miss my friend.” 

 

“Here watch this,” he clapped his hands together and a tiny cloud of darkness filled the space between us. He then grasped my hand, gently, and my power moved through me.

 

Sunlight and heat radiated between us, the darkness abated faster than I could believe. I breathed a sigh of relief. “That’s what you want me to do? Bring light to the darkness?” 

 

“Yes,  _ dorogaya _ , yes.” He seemed infinitely pleased. 

 

“Ok, I can do that,” I said. 

 

*~*~*

 

The week passed in a blur. At the very end was the thing I’d been dreading, meeting the king. The Darkling had lunch or breakfast with me three days out of the week. I wanted to be around people my own age again. People I could just be  _ Alina  _ with and not the Sun Summoner. This strange new power, which I couldn’t even call myself, had taken over my world and I would just about give anything to be around another girl or even a boy that was struggling with their power. 

 

I dressed in all black, with my kefta, and followed the oprichnik guards down to the Darkling’s sitting room. He was dressed in much the same as me. The significance of the black hadn’t quite sunk in. 

 

We walked the long hallways to the Grand Palace and we were presented as the Darkling and the Sun Summoner. I didn’t know how to feel about that. 

 

As we stepped into the throne room I realized I was before the King and Queen of Ravka and a slight tremor went through me. The King had absolutely no chin to speak of and a weak jaw. He was smiling at me. 

 

“Ah yes, the little gem plucked from Duke Keramzin’s orphanage!” He proclaimed. 

 

I didn’t like it that the first thing he decided to say was that I was an orphan. I felt like I was at a complete disadvantage. 

 

“Darkling, do give us a small demonstration! From what the rumors whisper she cannot call her own power…?”

 

The Darkling looked… unreadable. He’d looked that way since we arrived in the Grand Palace and I doubted he would be calling me  _ dorogaya _ in front of the king.

 

He nodded to the King. I felt a trill of panic roll through me, what if I couldn’t do it? 

 

The Darkling clapped his hands and shadows formed. He wasn’t far away from me, and I knew he would reach out for my hand. 

 

He let far more shadows fill the room than before when we’d practiced. He took my hand and I let everything I had rise to the surface. 

 

The darkness abated and my cheeks were left warm with the feel of sunlight. 

 

The King was clapping and smiling, patting his wife, the Queen, on the hand. “Goodness gracious man, we have much to discuss!” the King said to the Darkling. 

 

I was led away by an oprichnik who deposited me in my room. 

 

*~*~*

 

I took lunch in my room. I knew today was the day I was leaving the Little Palace and (hopefully) going to the school. 

 

In the late afternoon, long after lunch and nearly at dinner time, the Darkling came to my room. He asked me, “Are you ready to visit the school? I’m just going to show you where your classes are.” 

 

I nodded. “Did the King say… I did ok, today?” I asked. 

 

“He was very impressed.” 

 

I smiled and hopped off the chair I was sitting on, “Will I sleep at the school like the other kids?” Mal and I had gotten up to all sorts of mischief at night. He’d once sneaked into the kitchen at Easter and gotten us each an extra piece of Easter chocolate. 

 

“No, Alina, you’ll sleep at the Little Palace,” the Darkling said. 

 

I pouted. I bet there were all sorts of mischief to get into at the grisha school. Not that I was much of a mischief maker… that had been mostly Mal. 

 

My heart ached for Keramzin and Mal. 

 

He took my hand and I bit my cheek so I wouldn’t cry in front of the Darkling. Even if he had treated me with kindness, he was still the second most powerful man in the country and I wouldn’t cry in front of him. 

 

The school was just as beautiful as the rest of Os Alta, and the Darkling walked me through and showed me where my classes would be. 

 

All the classrooms were empty. I would have to wait until tomorrow for me to be able to make friends. 

 

*~*~*

 

Classes started at eight in the morning and I was already ten minutes late. There was no one to escort me to class so I’d gotten lost and ended up in the Grand Palace. According to the schedule the maids had given me I had grisha theory in room 3A. 

 

When I finally made it the rest of the class was seated and I clumsily walked in, the teacher gave me a book and I walked to the back of the class. I realized almost immediately that I was the only one wearing black. There were whispers and the teacher had to hush the class. I felt my cheeks heat. 

 

Grisha theory lasted an hour and twenty minutes. I doodled in the corner of my book and wrote things in the notebook I’d brought. 

 

_ Like calls to like.  _

 

_ Grisha inferni ignite combustible substances in the air, but they need flint to create a spark.  _

 

_ There is wind all around so any place there is air, a squaller can change the air pressure.  _

 

_ Tidemakers can use the water in the atmosphere to create water from nowhere.  _

 

That was about the depth of my notes. The teacher continued on about Fabrikators and Durasts but I wasn’t terribly interested. The whole class was facing forward and I was looking at the back of their heads. There was a boy, with curly brown hair and a red kefta that reminded me of Mal. What did red signify again? 

 

I’d had the Darkling explain the orders to me one last time last night so I wouldn’t mess it up on my first day. I flipped my notebook to the last page and read: 

 

_ Red - Corporalki - Order of the Dead and the Living: can become either a Healer (cool) or Heartrender (creepy) _

 

I knew they didn’t make any of the other orders specialize until they were twelve. I wondered what the boy sitting in front of me wanted to do. It would be nice to have a friend that already knew the ropes. 

 

Class got out and most people hurried off to their other classes. There was, unfortunately, a gaggle of girls who ambushed me. 

 

“Hi! My name’s Marie!” 

 

“My name’s Nadia!” 

 

Their names ran together like tea pouring out of a samovar. “Uhh…I have to go to Baghra’s hut.” I paled and the girl who was named Nadia (I think?) gave me a look.

 

“Watch out for her stick!” Nadia said to me. 

 

I frowned, “Her stick? She beats kids with a stick?” That sounded awful, what in Saint’s name had I gotten myself into? 

 

A girl with bright blue eyes, long raven hair and a snide smirk said, “I’ve  _ never _ been hit by her stick before.” 

 

The girl named Marie chimed in, “Not all of us are as perfect as you!”

 

“No one can be,” The imperious girl said. 

 

I’d had enough. “Bye, I’ll see you guys around.” 

 

*~*~*

 

I’d been hit with the stick three times in under fifteen minutes. “You’re not trying girl!” 

 

I bit the inside of my cheek to keep from crying. “I  _ am _ trying!” 

 

Baghra’s hut was like an oven and she would thump me on the arm with her stick and shout, “The sun is all around you! Call it to you!” 

 

She was right though, of course, it was just before noon. I would never have as much ammunition for my power as I did now. 

 

I reached down inside me for the power that had so easily risen to the surface with the Darkling near and… nothing. It was like there was nothing special about me again. 

 

I wanted Mal to tell me a joke or do  _ something _ that reminded me I was just eight years old. I was not the Sun Summoner. I was just Alina. 

 

She thumped me on the arm again, this time harder, and I barked at her, “Why don’t you hit someone your own size!” 

 

“Girl! The Fold is hundreds of miles wide, every single one of your classmates can call their power to them!” 

 

“Well, I can’t!” 

 

She whacked my shins and I yelped in pain. 

 

“I have never seen such a pathetic grisha!” Baghra grumbled. 

 

I turned and pushed open the door to her hut and ran out. 

 

I was homesick. 

 

I had no idea what I was doing. 

 

I was Alina Starkov, one of Duke Keramzin’s orphans. 

 

I couldn’t be Alina Starkov, savior of Ravka and Sun Summoner. 

 

I burst into tears and made a beeline for the trees. 

 

I cried and cried. The cold bit into my hands, I only had thin gloves on. I didn’t realize it but I was running, winded, but running for my life. My cheeks singed with tears and cold. I went further into the forest, as far as my cold feet would carry me. Eventually, I collapsed into a heap. I sat with my knees pulled to my chest and arms hugging around me, sitting in the snow. 

 

I don’t know how long I was out there, just that the feeling was slowly fading from my feet and fingers. 

 

I heard boots approaching, big boots, a man I thought. I thought it was the Darkling coming to save me, or at least talk me into going back to school but the man that appeared in front of me was tall, blonde and blue-eyed. He had a knife and a torch. 

 

I screamed, “Get away from me!” 

 

He was speaking a language I didn’t understand but definitely wasn’t Ravkan. The Darkling had explained to me that I was very precious to Ravka but I didn’t think I was worth killing over… This was an assassination attempt… I was about to die. 

 

Someone was running toward me, from the school’s side of the woods. Please, Saints, don’t let it be another assassin. 

 

The blonde man picked me up by the scruff of the neck and I hollered and screamed, I kicked him in the head. 

 

And then, something happened. I have no idea  _ how _ it happened but the blonde man just folded in two, guts spilled out onto the ice and snow. 

 

I screamed and cried but someone was lifting me out of the mess and holding me close. 

 

“You’re ok,” the Darkling’s voice whispered in my ear. I was still crying, and he raced back to the Little Palace and started shouting orders at the oprichniki and the grisha. 

 

He was putting the city on lockdown for  _ me _ . I couldn’t stop crying, all the blood, the gore, and the fact I couldn’t feel my fingers or toes was throwing me for a loop. 

 

The Darkling was racing around giving orders with me in his arms like I didn’t weigh at least fifty-five pounds. 

 

“P-Put me d-down,” I sobbed.

 

He didn’t respond only gave more orders and after a little while he walked into his sitting room and put me down on one of the comfortable armchairs. 

 

“Alina, are you alright?” The Darkling asked seriously. 

 

“I-I can’t f-feel my hands or my f-feet.” I cried. 

 

He left for a second and came back with a grisha in red robes. 

 

“She has frostbite and possibly hypothermia,” the Darkling explained to the healer. 

 

The Healer went and got blankets and the Darkling got a roaring fire going. 

 

It took a while, the healer did somethings to my hands and feet that made them itch terribly. After she was done I only felt a residual tingling feeling. 

 

The whole time the Darkling paced like a worried parent. 

 

I knew I was in a horrendous amount of trouble. How foolish I’d been! And all over being homesick and not having people my age to talk to. The Darkling poured me some tea, added extra sugar to it and put it in my healed hands. 

 

“Don’t  _ ever _ do that again Alina,” he said firmly. His voice had returned to the calm of normal but there was a note of protectiveness. 

 

“Who was that man?” I asked shakily. “Y-You killed him!” 

 

“He was a grisha hunter from Fjerda. You saw his torch and knife. He would have done terrible things to you, Alina, if I hadn’t done it first.” 

 

“Is that the first person you’ve killed?” 

 

“No, and I doubt it will be the last,” the Darkling said grimly. “What happened that made you run into the woods?” 

 

I looked down and fiddled with the blanket. “Nothing.” 

 

The Darkling gave a mirthless laugh. I hoped I never heard such a sound again. “Did Baghra ask you to call your power?” 

 

I nodded. 

 

“And you couldn’t?” He asked. 

 

I set my tea down, “Of course I couldn’t! I can’t remember the grisha orders! I want to go home! I want my friend back!” 

 

The Darkling narrowed his eyes, “This friend… Mal? Is he holding you back?” 

 

“No! I just don’t understand why I’m so special. The girls at school fall over themselves trying to get my attention and I don’t know what to say to them.” 

 

The Darkling shook his head. He let it drop. 

 

I picked my tea back up and sipped it. 

 

“My kefta is ruined,” I said. 

 

“I would imagine it is.” 

 

“Can I have a new one?” 

 

“Yes.” 

 

“Can it have a little sun on the clasp?” 

 

The Darkling smiled at me, “Of course.” 

 

“Thank you.” 

 

Eventually, I made my way back to my own room. There were three oprichniki guards standing outside and two Corporalki Heartrenders. Did I really need that much protection? 

 

I wrote Mal a quick letter. I sent it off with the post, it was a simple missive, just a hello and I miss you. 

 

*~*~*

 

The lockdown was lifted by the time I woke up the next day. My new kefta arrived in time for me to wear it. Did the Fabrikators work through the night? 

 

My first class today was grisha history. 

 

It had to be the most excruciatingly boring class I’d ever been to, however, the boy with curly, brown hair and a red kefta was in it. I strategically sat behind him.  

 

I quickly wrote a note to him and passed it to him. I tapped his shoulder and he took it. It read: 

 

_ Hi, I’m Alina. This class is awfully boring, isn’t it? _

 

He wrote a quick note back and passed it to me. 

 

_ My name is Ivan. Yes, it’s horrible. I heard you got into some trouble last night with a Fjerdan. Are you ok? _

 

I flushed. Did everyone know about that? 

 

_ I’m fine. The Darkling saved me. Do you want to be a healer or a heartrender? _

 

“Miss Starkov, can you give me the date of the Fjerdan invasion?” The teacher said pointedly. 

 

Saints! I had no idea. “Last night around dusk?” I tried to be funny. 

 

The teacher pursed her lips and continued reading a passage from a book we were supposed to be taking notes from. 

 

I passed the note to Ivan. He seemed to be multitasking. He was writing notes hurriedly then switching to the notes we were writing in quick succession. 

 

He wrote his reply and handed the note back to me. 

 

_ Nice save with the teacher. The Darkling saved you? Must be nice to have friends in high places. Heartrender.  _

 

I read his note and the bell rung. I had no class notes. Chairs started scraping but the teacher put a hand up. 

 

“There will be a pop quiz on the subject of today’s reading on Thursday.” 

 

I was sure she gave me a nasty look as I walked out. Ivan caught up with me as I left. “You want to copy my notes?” He asked me. 

 

I didn’t want to fail the test and I also wanted to make friends. If I could copy his notes it would be nice, right? 

 

“Sure, thanks,” he handed me two sheets of paper with his chicken scratch handwriting. 

 

*~*~*

 

That night the Darkling called on me. We had little biscuits with thick white frosting and tea with honey. 

 

I received him in my sitting room.

 

We sat there, chatting about school and about Ivan. The Darkling didn’t seem to care much that I’d been passing notes in class. If anything, he approved of Ivan as a friend for me. 

 

Then, he handed me the letter I thought I had sent out in the mail. “Alina, you cannot contact Mal.” 

 

I felt almost as if he’d slapped me. “What do you know about having friends?” I snapped at him. 

 

The Darkling heaved a sigh. “Enough to know that any  _ otkazat'sya _ will never understand the gift you have, _ dorogaya _ .”

 

I didn’t get it, why couldn’t he understand that Mal was the only thing from my previous life that I had left? 

 

I didn’t want to talk about it. How dare he intercept my mail! 

 

“Get out,” I breathed with as much pure rage as my tiny body could produce. 

 

The Darkling had the nerve to looked shocked, “Have another biscuit, Alina.” He rubbed his temple. 

 

“Get out!” I shrieked at him, tears were stinging my eyes. 

 

He rolled his shoulders, set down his teacup and exited. 


	3. A Muddled Pool of Light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alina struggles with her power. Ivan's brother dies. The Darkling celebrates Alina's 9th birthday.

*~*~* 

 

**CHAPTER 2**

 

*~*~*

 

It had been two weeks since the Darkling walked out of my sitting room. We were well into deepest depths of winter now. I wore long pajamas under my regular pants and an even thicker kefta. Things with Baghra weren’t going well. I’d been able to conjure a tiny, muddled pool of light one afternoon, after an especially hard thump from her stick. 

 

I’d asked Nadia and Marie how they called their power to them but… they hadn’t really been able to put it into words. 

 

When I approached Ivan on the subject he’d heard I’d been asking around. “You know Baghra is an amplifier?” He said to me, “So is the Darkling.” 

 

Amplifier… I’d read about them and had several lectures about them. They magnified grisha power. 

 

“So… that’s why when the Darkling touches me I can use my power?” 

 

Ivan’s eyes narrowed. “He lets you  _ touch _ him? Someone’s special.” He harrumphed 

 

“Ugh!” I flicked Ivan’s ear, hard.

 

“Watch yourself Starkov, I may not have started my specialization yet but I bet I could make you throw up all over Nadia’s shoes.” 

 

Nadia looked highly affronted. “Don’t try anything guys. You know that’s big trouble for using our powers in the hallways. Not to mention these are my favorite shoes.” 

 

Too late though, Ivan had started rolling his wrist in a clockwise motion and I felt my stomach churn. “Ivan, ewww! I feel sick!” 

 

He rolled his hand around faster and I grabbed his hand. I summoned my weary little puddle of light and Ivan laughed himself hoarse at me. 

 

*~*~* 

 

I went to Baghra’s hut determined that day. If Ivan, Marie,  _ and _ Nadia could all call their power then I should be able to. 

 

“I hope you’re ready to actually try today, girl.” Baghra snapped at me just as I put my foot in the door. 

 

“You didn’t tell me you were an amplifier,” I quipped. 

 

“You don’t need an amplifier!” She barked. 

 

I summoned my weak pool of light. “Is that going to destroy The Fold? I need you to actually help me!” 

 

She grabbed my wrist and the hut was flooded with heat and light. 

 

“Amplifiers are for fools who don’t know their own power,” she snapped and pulled back from my wrist. “Summon!” 

 

I reached down inside myself for that power. I thought of Ivan making my gut roil with a flick of his wrist, I thought of Nadia getting in trouble for making lightning a week ago and most of all I thought of the Darkling who called his power to him like it was as easy as breathing. I thought of The Fold and how strong a united Ravka would be. I dug deeper, sweat breaking out on my brow. 

 

Baghra looked at me, I wouldn’t let her break my focus but she seemed to have nothing to say, for good or for ill. 

 

Right when I thought I was going scream with effort, a sunbeam shot out of my hand, bright as the midday sun. 

 

Baghra thumped me with her stick, “Make it bigger!” 

 

I wished the Darkling was here to exact retribution for me but I dove deeper inside me and found… there was no deeper to go. That was all I had in me. 

 

Baghra whacked me again, “Hold it!” 

 

I was sweating and tired but I held the sunbeam for a good five minutes. 

 

I hadn’t been entirely honest when I said Mal wasn’t holding me back. Every time I went to call my power it felt like I was reaching for Mal. I was never going to see Mal again, if I could just push him further out of my mind I would be able to call more sun to me. 

 

When we were done Baghra said, “Better. Much better.” 

 

I went to bed smiling that night. 

 

*~*~* 

 

I had noticed that Ivan, Marie, Nadia and I weren’t the only ones who generally sat at the back of classes. There was a girl in my grisha theory class that had stunning red hair, and the most brilliant amber eyes I had ever seen. She wore a cream kefta… Wasn’t cream the color of the servants in the Grand Palace? 

 

I wasn’t sure but it seemed like a strange choice for her. She’d never revealed her power in front of us and Ivan was not kind to her. 

 

We were all walking out of grisha theory and Ivan stepped on the back of her shoe. She toppled forward and muttered an oath. Fast as lightning she was back on her feet and all she did was put her hand on Ivan’s face and walked away, seemingly satisfied. 

 

I looked at Ivan and… oh boy. 

 

“Saints!” Ivan cried out.

 

Marie, Nadia, and Zoya approached us, I couldn’t keep it in, I laughed. She had given him a black eye without punching him. It looked… horrible. His cheek was a deep shade of purple and the outside edges were a deep blue. 

 

The girls were all roaring with unladylike laughter and a teacher actually came out to see what the disturbance was. 

 

“Girls enough of that!” The grisha theory teacher barked. 

 

She took a look at Ivan and pursed her lips. “Ivan, who were you brawling with?” 

 

“Genya! She used her power to give me a black eye!” 

 

The teacher didn’t seem to believe Ivan. “ _ Who  _ were you brawling with, young man?” 

 

“I’m not lying!” Ivan complained. “Ask Alina, she saw everything!” 

 

_ Oh great _ . 

 

The teacher turned her attention to me and I wanted to just walk away from the whole thing. Genya was clearly in possession of some power that made her on the receiving end of taunts and miscommunications. 

 

“I didn’t see anything,” I said. I added an innocent shrug in for effect. 

 

The teacher looked annoyed, “Go see a healer for that, Ivan, and the rest of you get to lunch!” 

 

*~*~* 

 

I had my first test in grisha theory and grisha history the next day. Each exam was an essay which we were given an hour each to do. 

 

I walked out feeling somewhat confident. I wasn’t stupid and Marie, Nadia, and Ivan had all formed a study group I’d taken part in. 

 

The bright side of having tests at school was that we got out early. I headed straight back to the Little Palace, went to collapse on my bed, but the Darkling was in my sitting room. He was putting heaping spoons of sugar into his tea. 

 

“You’re going to rot your teeth straight out of your head!” I snapped at him. 

 

“Grisha teeth don’t rot,” he retorted. 

 

“Then you’re going to get fat,” I didn’t know why I was in such a foul mood. I was tired, and the gang and I had studied late. 

 

“Have you ever seen a fat grisha?” He asked me. 

 

I paused. No… I hadn’t. 

 

“What do you want?” I asked him. 

 

“Just to talk,” he said simply. 

 

I narrowed my eyes at him, “You knew I was getting off early because I had tests.” 

 

“I would be a very shoddy mentor if I didn’t know how school worked,” he’d started stirring his tea and he had little cookies in the shape of sunbursts. 

 

“Did you go to school here?” I asked him. 

 

“No, Darklings have to hide until they are ready to take power due to assassination concerns.” 

 

“Ok, well I’m going to go hang out by the lake. Ivan is going to give Zoya a bloody nose and I’m looking forward to it.” 

 

He put his teaspoon on his saucer. “Do you like Ivan?” 

 

“He’s ok when he’s not trying to make me throw up.” 

 

The Darkling looked nonplussed, “He didn’t try to hurt you did he?” 

 

“No, no. He was teasing me.” 

 

A knowing smirk graced the Darkling’s features, “I happen to like Zoya do I need to intercede on her behalf?” 

 

I looked at him, “If you’re trying to get on my good side this isn’t the way to do it.” 

 

“You don’t like Zoya?” He asked blandly. 

 

“She’s…” I paused trying to think of something to say that wasn’t a swear word, “She’s got the temperament of a great white shark, always looking for new prey.” 

 

The Darkling smiled, “That’s true.”  

 

“Can I go now?” I said, practically jumping up and down. 

 

“Yes, yes of course.” 

 

*~*~* 

 

Ivan and I snuck up on Zoya and after a couple times, he got her nose to drip blood down her kefta. It was not as exciting as we’d hoped. But she still cried because her kefta was ruined. 

 

Nadia was trying to listen in on a conversation with the healers who couldn’t explain where Zoya’s nose bleed had come from. 

 

Marie was talking to Sergei. 

 

Before long Ivan and I were alone. He gently pulled my braid, “Ouch, Saints!” I complained. 

 

“Have you learned how to call your power yet?” Ivan said, toeing the snow. 

 

“Kind of?” 

 

“Can you show me?” He asked. 

 

I knew if I tried and failed he wouldn’t laugh but I would be disappointed. 

 

“I’m not very good…” 

 

“Give it a shot, I promise I won’t laugh if you can’t,” Ivan reassured me. 

 

I reached down inside myself for my power, brushed Mal and Ana Kuya to the side. I called the light to me. It was dusk, I could feel the sun inside me, wanting to be pulled to the surface. I pulled all the memories of my classmates successfully using their powers and held onto them for dear life. 

 

I brought the light up and out of me and held a sunbeam in my hands. It was just light, not heat but I was proud. 

 

I reached further down into me and tried to bring out the heat… it worked, a little. 

 

Ivan looked proud of me. 

 

I didn’t see the Darkling watching from Baghra’s hut. 

 

*~*~*

 

One morning, in spring, I was unceremoniously introduced to the girl who had given Ivan a black eye just by touching his face. 

 

She was fiercely beautiful and as she pulled my hair, worked my cheekbones and handed me a tube of lip gloss. I looked in the mirror. 

 

I was Alina… but Alina with ten hours of sleep, more than just a sweet roll and an orange for breakfast, and maybe even a little time in the sun. My hair fell straight down my back like it had been flat ironed. It wasn’t dull brown but more like chestnut with little strands that were a lighter brown. 

 

“Thank you,” I said. 

 

“You’re welcome. Don’t tell the Queen you saw me though. She doesn’t think it’s fair for me to work on grisha.” 

 

“Oh?” 

 

“Yeah.” 

 

“How old are you?” I asked. 

 

“Ten.” 

 

“I thought grisha didn’t specialize until they were twelve?” 

 

She blushed and walked me out to the hallway.

 

An oprichnik was there, “I’m to take you to the Queen’s sitting room,” he said. 

 

“Lead the way.” 

 

*~*~* 

 

There was no other word for the Queen but, Bitch with a capital B. She complained I was too scrawny for my age, too short, not able to summon enough light. Her court of ladies was obscenely mean to me, they all pulled my non-existent cheeks. I could tell some of Genya’s work was fading. 

 

The Queen got a sour look on her face, “That Darkling had better not have let my present work on you,” she said, looking me in the eye. 

 

I didn’t even know Genya but I’d be damned if I let her talk about another grisha like that. “Genya gets picked on all the time and now I know why.” 

 

The Queen rolled her eyes. “Be gone you brat.” 

 

_ Thank the Saints. _

 

*~*~* 

 

I ran into a boy maybe a year or two older than me in the halls of the Grand Palace. He had light blonde hair and hazel eyes. 

 

He bowed to me, even though I’d just slammed bodily into him, in my haste to get out of the Grand Palace as fast as possible. 

 

*~*~* 

 

A few months passed. Winter was giving way to a slushy spring. 

 

I hadn’t seen Ivan in lessons all day. He was my friend… he had me worried. I went to the school and was looking for the boy’s dormitory, and I figured Ivan would be with the rest of the boys from his dorm. 

 

I found Ivan… alone. 

 

The little hiccuping sobs he was making told me something was very wrong, “Ivan? It’s Alina, are you ok?” 

 

“Ivan?” I called. 

 

He was on the floor, knees tucked into his chest, tears running down his cheeks. 

 

I fell to my knees, “What’s wrong?” 

 

“M-my b-b-brother!” He pushed a letter into my face. 

 

I’d seen many like it. It was a letter of condolence from the First Army. 

 

“Did your dad send this along?” I was trying to get some reason from him but one look from him told me what I’d wondered. 

 

His father was dead. 

 

I sat down next to him and he tilted his cheek to my shoulder. My kefta was soaked with tears after a few minutes. 

 

“Ivan, where’d the rest of the boys from the dorm go?” I asked steadily. 

 

He let out another hiccuping sob, “T-They left because they d-didn’t want to be a-around me.” I sensed the lie and looked him in his red-rimmed eyes 

 

“Did you beat them up?” I asked. 

 

“I g-gave them bloody n-noses. I’ve b-been practicing.” 

 

I shook my head. A plan was forming in my mind but… I lived so close to the Darkling and All Saints knew he wouldn’t approve. I took Ivan’s hand and pulled him up to standing, held him close for a hug and said, “I have a plan. You can sleep on the couch in my sitting room and we can get Marie and Nadia to get the boys back up here before you get in trouble. Were they bad nose bleeds?” I asked. 

 

“No. J-Just enough to make them do as I said,” Ivan said steadily. 

 

“Ok, let’s go get Marie and Nadia.” 

 

Ivan hesitated, “I don’t want anyone to see me.” 

 

I thought for a moment. I wished I could bend light like Nadia could bend sound. I filed that away and said, “I’ll run you over to the Little Palace.” 

 

“But the oprichniki?” He asked me. 

 

“ _ They _ do exactly as I ask them,” I replied. 

 

Ivan rubbed his eyes. “Ok. Let’s do this.” 

 

We ran like little mice across the palace grounds and I caught a couple strange looks for trying to sneak an eight-year-old boy into my room from the oprichiniki but they didn’t move to say anything. 

 

I left Ivan in my room and locked it behind me, taking the key. I got Marie and Nadia in motion just in time. An old lady, who was essentially the dorm manager had come out to see what the wailing was about. She only found Sergei and Fedyor walking back to their dorm with cotton in their noses. 

 

I went back to the Little Palace and cast my eyes to the couch, Ivan was asleep, a pillow and blanket had been found for him by one of the oprichniki I supposed. I opened the door to my bedroom and found the Darkling there. 

 

All Saints! I was in trouble. 

 

The Darkling whispered, “Would you like to explain to me why Ivan is sleeping on the couch?” 

 

“His brother died,” I said quickly, “I found him crying in his dorm and thought that he needed… a break from the other boys.” 

 

The Darkling sighed and rubbed his temple, “Ivan is… a very good student and someday he will be a very good heartrender but… it is inappropriate for a young boy to sleep on your couch.” 

 

“Are you going to kick him out? He’s already asleep.” I almost wanted to beg for Ivan to stay. He’d been so upset when I found him… 

 

“No, I’m not going to kick him out, but this had better not happen again.” 

 

“Ok, I’m sorry,” I said gingerly. 

 

He let it go at that. 

 

Ivan was gone before the maids had come in to wake me up, the blanket and pillow stowed away as if he had never been there. I hoped he was ok. 

 

*~*~*

 

Spring turned into summer and my birthday, or rather, Duke Keramzin’s birthday approached. I knew I was going to be nine this year. There was no school in late spring because the rest of Ravka was busy with the war Campaign season. 

 

I was sure I was going to spend my ninth birthday in my room, avoiding everyone. For the first time in months, I missed Mal. He would be turning ten today. Back at the orphanage, with all the kids having the same birthday there wasn’t much to celebrate but Mal always did something, whether it was stealing the first of the strawberries or just a hug from his stocky arms. 

 

It was around dusk when someone knocked on my sitting room door. Dusk didn’t fall until late now, the long summer days approaching. 

 

I was in bare feet and didn’t have my black kefta on, I was wearing a simple black blouse. 

 

I opened the door and the Darkling was smiling down at me with a procession of sweet trays behind him. 

 

Over the long winter, I’d developed a taste for sweets it hadn’t made me gain weight but I did look like an average now nine-year-old. 

 

I gaped at him. “What’s all this?” I asked 

 

“It’s your birthday,  _ dorogaya _ . You haven’t been out of your room all day and I wanted to celebrate with you.” 

 

He was my mentor, he was… my friend. I couldn’t turn him away. 

 

“Don’t you have to be at the northern border?” I’d listened in on one of his meetings and they were dealing with difficulties with the Fjerdans.

 

He gave me a sheepish smile, “I wouldn’t miss your birthday for anything.” 

 

I knew he was being honest with me and I let him in. Kitchen staff pushed in three trays, one full of exotic teas, one with a three-layered cake with fondant suns on it, and finally a tray with several small boxes wrapped in glittering paper. 

 

I wasn’t expecting anything from anyone for my birthday. This was more than I’d dreamed of. I was looking at the cake expectantly. 

 

“Can we have cake before we open presents?” I asked. 

 

I had never seen the Darkling smile like this, it warmed me from the inside out with affection for the man in front of me. 

 

“Whatever you want to do Alina, it’s your day.” 

 

We ate an obscene amount of cake for me being so small, and him being so lean. The inside had strawberry jam in it. It was divine. 

 

The Darkling handed me a box when we’d had our fill. It was black and gold wrapping. 

 

My voice shuddered, “Thank you…” 

 

I gently ripped off the beautiful wrapping and saw it was a bracelet with a thin gold chain, no clasp, and a sun made out of solid gold. 

 

“No, I couldn’t possibly take this…” I was shocked. This was… amazing. 

 

“Yes you could,  _ dorogaya _ ,” the Darkling said easily. 

 

My hands shook and I put it on, it seemed to fit my wrist perfectly. Something in me felt warm and sunny, he made me feel special. 

 

There were two other boxes. 

 

He took them off the tray and handed them to me. I ripped off the paper gently and discovered it was a set: a necklace, earrings, and a bracelet. All in gold and Fabrikator designed. 

 

What was I supposed to say? 

 

“Do you not like the set Alina?” He asked. 

 

“This is way too much for me!” I said a little louder than I’d meant to. 

 

“What do you mean?  _ You’re the Sun Summoner _ !” He replied. “Nothing is too much for you.” 

 

I guess I didn’t see my self-worth that way. I was a penniless orphan. 

 

I started to cry and the Darkling looked bewildered. It had been nearly six months since I was plucked from Keramzin. I guess I hadn’t slipped as gracefully into the role of  _ The Sun Summoner _ as well as I’d thought 

 

“All the orphans at Duke Keramzin’s orphanage need the money from these so much more than I could ever need these!” I sobbed. I was sitting on the couch and he sat down next to me and took my hand in his. 

 

“I told you a significant donation would be made to the orphanage.” 

 

“How significant?” I said, quieting myself. 

 

“Enough for a new piano, new beds, new clothes, and as much food as those kids could want.” The Darkling said tenderly. 

 

I rested my head on his arm since I wasn’t tall enough to reach his shoulder, “Thank you.” 

 

“Will you take your gifts now?” He asked me. 

 

I nodded and wiped my eyes, but before he could slip the necklace on I gave him a hug with my small arms, “You’re a good mentor.” 

 

The Darkling slipped the little necklace over my head, then put the earrings in my ears. He patted my head. 

 

We stayed like that until the sun was fully down and I was asleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave a comment or kudos if you enjoyed!


	4. The In Between Years

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alina and Ivan grow fonder of each other. The Darkling is concerned. Alina wonders the age old question... How Old Is The Darkling?

*~*~*

 

**CHAPTER 3**

 

*~*~*

 

Every year for three more years the Darkling and I celebrated my birthday alone. I had turned twelve several months ago and winter was approaching. My powers had become more refined. I didn’t need to hold the Darkling’s, or Baghra’s hand to make the light of the sun come out of me. 

 

School got more intense for most of my friends at this point, they were beginning their specialties and thus needed more time in practical classrooms. 

 

Baghra was working with me for three hours four days a week. I had Friday, Saturday, and Sunday off. It was grueling work. 

 

It seemed like all she said to me was “make it bigger!” and then thumped my shins or my arm with her stick. 

 

Several times since I’d turned twelve and school had started again, I’d gotten detention for taking Baghra’s stick. All Saints, I hated that stick! 

 

Besides school… 

 

Well, there was the Darkling. This fall he’d returned from the front lines with his arm in a sling. 

 

I’d never felt my heart beat so fast in my chest. He refused to explain it to me, but with Marie’s help I got my hands on a bottle of kvas and planted it in his room. 

 

I let him have at the bottle then right before I was about to go to sleep I knocked on his door. 

 

“...Hello?” He answered, oh yes, he’d definitely been drinking.

 

“It’s Alina,” I said in a hushed whisper. 

 

“Come in,” The Darkling said.

 

I poked my head in and saw he had the bottle of kvas in his hand. His color was high in his cheeks from drinking.

 

He narrowed his eyes at me, “Alina, did you put that bottle in here?” 

 

I toed the carpet with my slippers.

 

“Why is your shoulder in a sling?” I got to the point. 

 

“I fell off my horse.” 

 

“And didn’t land on your head?” I bit back sarcastically. Most people who fell off their horses on the Vy, or any other road, died. I couldn’t help it, I inched closer to him, he was still a good ten feet away from me. 

 

“No. I shattered my upper arm though.” 

 

“You  _ shattered _ your arm!” I said shrilly. I wanted to hug him. 

 

“It’s fine, the healers did all they could but since the bone was broken so severely I’m a bit sore.” 

 

Saints! I hadn’t expected that. 

 

“What made you fall off your horse?” I asked. 

 

“Alina, it’s late and you have lessons with Baghra tomorrow,” he pleaded with me. 

 

“I’m worried! You’re the only mentor I have! What if something happened to you?” I squeaked. It was impossible to think about, I would be so lost.

 

He sighed, “I was riding out in front of everyone and a Fjerdan druskelle laid a man trap. The Fjerdan’s knew we’d be on that road because we use it every year. The man trap closed on my horse’s leg and I went flying forward.” 

 

“ _ What!? _ ” I raged. I knew druskelle was a fancy name for  _ grisha hunter _ . I’d paid enough attention in grisha history to know they had slaughtered enough grisha over the years to make me sick. 

 

“Shh, Alina!” The Darkling pleaded with me. 

 

“I don’t want you to get hurt!”

 

“I haven’t been hurt in nearly fifty years.” 

 

We’d had this discussion countless times.  _ How old are you?  _ I’d ask him.  _ Old enough _ . He’d say. 

 

I turned and ducked out of his room. I was mad, I was frustrated with the non-answers from the Darkling and I was worried I might lose him.  

 

I fell into a fitful sleep that night. 

 

*~*~* 

 

The next day at school I bumped into Ivan, literally. We’d been avoiding each other and we both knew why. I took issue with him becoming a heartrender. Logistically I knew it was probably the only Corporalki specialization for him that would work, but I didn’t want my friend, maybe even my best friend, becoming a killer and fighting wars. 

 

“Uh, sorry Ivan,” I said, he looked sad but I started walking away. 

 

“Starkov, you can’t hide from me forever,” he called down the corridor.

 

I rolled my shoulders and kept walking, he covered the distance in several long strides. 

 

“What’s your problem?” He said to me when he caught up. I was trying to walk as fast as possible but that wasn’t very fast. 

 

“Nothing,” I lied. 

 

“That’s the biggest crock of shit I ever heard,” Ivan said crudely. 

 

“Ivan, I have to go see Baghra,” I said trying to step around him, I turned halfway and pressed my back into the lockers. 

 

It only occurred to me the precarious position I was in after everything happened. 

 

Ivan pressed his warm, smooth lips to mine, my first ever kiss. He cupped my cheek momentarily and then it was over.

 

We both pulled back, he was smirking, my cheeks heated and my fingers itched to slap him. I couldn’t deny though, it felt good. 

 

“Does the fact that you’re not trying to roast me like a turkey mean you want to be my girlfriend?” Ivan asked. 

 

I blushed furiously and walked away. 

 

*~*~* 

 

Baghra’s lessons went surprisingly well, except the end. I was working on heat control. Baghra would whack me with her stick and yell, “Heat! Child, the sun has heat!” 

 

Heat was harder to produce than just light. I could make a pool of bright, noontime light with no heat the size of the lake without any help. 

 

Apparently, the heat helped keep the volcara away in The Fold though, so heat it was. 

 

I made a sunbeam with enough heat to melt spots of snow clean through to the brown grass. 

 

Baghra thumped me on the shoulder and said, “Hotter!” 

 

I thought of the blush I’d felt on my cheeks when Ivan kissed me, the heat of his calloused hand on my cheek. 

 

I pointed the sunbeam at the lake and melted a spot of ice about two feet wide. 

 

Baghra harrumphed. “Not bad, for a little girl.” 

 

I rolled my eyes. 

 

The Darkling seemed to come from nowhere, “Heat  _ and _ light? I’m impressed.” 

 

He was standing directly behind me and was giving Baghra a significant look. 

 

“It’s not enough boy,” Baghra said.

 

The Darkling gave Baghra a sharp gaze. 

 

“It will be enough, she’s only twelve.” 

 

“Boy! I’m telling you it’s not enough!” 

 

Why was Baghra calling my mentor, who was at least one hundred plus years old, ‘boy’? 

 

The Darkling adjusted his arm in his sling and sighed, “Excuse us, Alina, I have to confer with Baghra about some of the student’s lessons.” 

 

He gave me a strange look and I returned it with a look of questioning. 

 

*~*~* 

 

The kiss with Ivan kept playing in my head and finally when it was impossible to ignore, I snuck into the boy’s dorm at the school. None of the boys were asleep so when I knocked and asked for Ivan he got taunts and jeers from Fedyor and Sergei. 

 

Ivan stepped out of the dorm without a shirt. I was so busy oogling him I didn’t notice the old lady who was the night time staff marching up the stairs. 

 

“See something you like?” Ivan asked. 

 

“My answer is yes.” I leaned in and pecked him on the lips and let the matron pull me back to the Little Palace. 

 

I heard whoops and shouts from the boys' dorm 

 

*~*~* 

 

The Darkling was concerned. 

 

“Alina you’re too young for a boyfriend!” He proclaimed the next day. 

 

“Like you always say, I’m  _ Old Enough _ .” 

 

The Darkling didn’t like that in the slightest. 

 

I continued, “It’s not like I’m doing anything crazy he just kissed me, it felt good, and I like him.” I shrugged. 

 

“I don’t suppose you’ve had sex education?” The Darkling asked. 

 

I was mortified. That was for older kids… teenagers who  _ wanted to have sex _ . I was not among that population. 

 

I shoved his shoulder, which was now healed. 

 

“No I haven’t, but I hardly think that will be necessary,” I added to the shoulder shove. 

 

“ _ Alina _ !” He swallowed hard, “H-Have you bled yet?” 

 

“Bled? I didn’t know sex involved bleeding, thanks, I think I’ll die an old maid now.” 

 

“You’re going to be the death of me,” the Darkling grumbled. 

 

“I hope not,” I said bitterly. 

 

The Darkling cleared his throat and said, “Sit next to me.” 

 

I was re-arranging my jewelry but apparently, this couldn’t wait. 

 

I sat next to him. 

 

He started, “Soon, your body is going to start to change. It’s called puberty,” the Darkling took a steadying breath, “You’re going to start filling out.” 

 

“Filling out? Like I’m going to get fat?” I couldn’t help it! They didn’t teach orphans this Saint’s forsaken subject!

 

“Alina, you’re not making this easy for me,” he growled. “Girls get breasts, you’ve seen adult women they have breasts so if they get pregnant they can nurse the baby.” 

 

“I don’t want babies!” 

 

He sighed, “You’re going to… bleed once a month. When you have sex, if you have sex, you’ll need to take something to prevent yourself from getting pregnant.” 

 

“What will I have to take?” 

 

“The healers have contraceptive brews you can take, there’s a shot you would take once a season and that would make it so you didn’t get pregnant. There are all sorts of options the healers can give you. But if you’re in a pinch,” He reached inside his kefta and took out a foil packet. “This is a condom. The man puts it on his… penis…” The Darkling was red from his chest to his forehead... “before he comes  _ anywhere near you _ , and then you can have sex. Since grisha don’t get sick if you’re having sex with a grisha you don’t have to worry about STD’s, but if you were to,” the Darkling swallowed hard, “have sex with a First Army soldier or anyone without grisha powers, condoms are the only way to prevent the spread of disease and there are some nasty ones.” 

 

“How do you know all this?” It sounded horrible. I was going to get fat, I was going to obtain the ability to produce little grisha, and apparently, I was going to get get some horrible illness if I had sex with anyone but a grisha. 

 

“I’ve been alive a long time,” the Darkling said, almost remorsefully. 

 

“This is scary. I don’t want to bleed!” I started to panic. 

 

The Darkling didn’t look prepared for this. 

 

“You’ll be fine,  _ dorogaya. _ ” 

 

“If you say so... ” I sighed, slipped off the bed and went back to rearranging my jewelry. 

 

*~*~* 

 

Months passed. The Darkling maintained his role as my mentor. My thirteenth birthday was celebrated with the Darkling and some of the girls.

 

Ivan was conspicuously not invited. 

 

The Darkling took up writing to me from the front lines. He never mentioned anything that could be considered strategic. He just asked me how my finals with Baghra were going, what the weather was like in Ravka, and feigned to care about my relationship with Ivan. 

 

I wasn’t top of the class, no, of course not, that was Zoya. 

 

Genya and I bumped into each other and she started giving me little trinkets. It was nice to have a friend a bit older than me because I had questions. 

 

On a fine June morning right after Midsummer’s Day, I woke up and thought I’d wet the bed. The truth was I’d finally ‘bled’ as the Darkling had so gently put it. 

 

I was crying, the bed was ruined and even though the Darkling told me this would happen, I still felt unprepared. I rang for a maid. 

 

The maids helped me clean up my bed and got me in a bath. I felt weird, I felt crampy, I had a headache and I was having a horrendous craving for chocolate sweet rolls. 

 

There was a knock on the door and I said, “I’m not dressed!” 

 

Genya came in any way. “The maids told me,” she said simply. 

 

“Ugh. Let me guess you already know what this joyous event is about?” 

 

“Yup. I started a year ago,” she confirmed. 

 

“I hate it!” 

 

Genya laughed, “None of us like it, here, I brought you something,” she placed some sanitary pads by my dresser. 

 

I was too disgusted with my own body to talk. 

 

*~*~*

 

The next four days passed and I got a new bed, Ivan asked me if I’d been jumping on it, to which I nervously shook my head. 

 

I avoided Ivan after that and tried to convince him I was fine. Unfortunately, we’d been together for a little over a year. He knew something wasn’t right. 

 

A couple of days after I was “done” bleeding he cornered me by the lake. 

 

“Alina, tell me what’s wrong! Are you going to break up with me?” We were against a tree. He had his hands on either side of me. 

 

I kissed him, “No, I’m not going to break up with you, but I’d rather not talk about it.” 

 

He put a hand on my hip, it was a tiny curve but he gripped it and it made me feel like a goddess. 

 

He kissed me, slowly. We’d never gone past pecks on the lips and holding hands. He licked across my lips and I understood he wanted to french kiss me. I opened my mouth to him and… All Saints! It felt wonderful. 

 

He held me and our tongues tangled, his hands wandered down to the soft curve of my ass. Eventually, I felt something poking my midsection, I pulled away and gave him a look. 

 

“What the hell is poking me, Ivan?” 

 

He pulled away from me and went around to the other side of the tree, “Nothing!” 

 

I followed him around the tree and saw he was… tucking his… his…  _ penis _ into his waistband. 

 

I looked up at him and made a sour face, “Please don’t tell me that was your…” 

 

“It was,” Ivan swallowed hard. 

 

“Just keep it away from me,” I said nervously. On second thought I asked him, “You can’t control when it… gets excited?” 

 

Ivan, despite his golden skin, blushed furiously. “Uhm… no. I think older… guys can?” 

 

“Oh,” I said solemnly. 

 

*~*~* 

 

That summer passed in a series of heat waves, the Darkling kept writing to me and I saved every single letter. 

 

Ivan and I stole kisses wherever we could. He kept his  _ thing  _ far, far away from me. 

 

When the Darkling rode in on his black horse I was waiting for him. I had the kitchen make me a small batch of sugar cookies with his symbol on them.

 

The Darkling picked me up and swung me around. I fed him a piece of the sugar cookie. He let me hold his hand as we walked into the Little Palace. 

 

Only once we were safely inside his sitting room did I ask him the questions I’d been dying to ask him for months but were too sensitive to ask via post. 

 

He was chewing thoughtfully on a cookie, I took a sip of tea and said, “Can older… men… control their hard-ons?” 

 

The Darkling choked on the cookie he was eating. His eyes watered and he coughed. “Alina-!” He said weakly. He coughed again and took a sip of tea. 

 

“Sorry! Don’t die!”

 

The Darkling was red in the cheeks as he had been the previous spring when he explained “bleeding” to me and I had absolute certainty it wasn’t from lack of air. He rested his chin on his hand. “Is there something you need to tell me?” 

 

“No…” 

 

“Then why was that the first thing you asked me when we were alone?” 

 

I put a cookie in my mouth. 

 

The Darkling sipped his tea and steepled his fingers. “Did you-?” 

 

I swallowed, “Absolutely not.” 

 

“But?” 

 

“But Ivan’s uh…  _ thing _ gets excited when I kiss him now.” 

 

The Darkling put the heels of his hands to his eyes. “Alina… if he touches you without your consent… I’ll kill him.” 

 

“What’s consent?” 

 

The Darkling growled, “It means permission. In Ravka and most other countries, a man has to have  _ consent _ to have sex or touch a woman.” 

 

“Oh, well he’s my boyfriend so of course he has my consent.” 

 

“It doesn’t work that way.” The Darkling was grumbling something that sounded like… ‘saints forsaken orphanage’ 

 

“What do you mean?” 

 

“Every time any man wants to touch you, kiss you or any other blasted thing he needs to have your explicit permission.” 

 

“Oohhh?” I had no idea why I would need to give my boyfriend explicit permission? “Why does Ivan need permission to kiss me?” 

 

I saw it in the Darkling’s eyes before he said it, “Because if he doesn’t I’ll…” 

 

“Don’t threaten my boyfriend,” I said sharply. 

 

“Then make sure he understands the rules of consent, have his father explain it to him.” 

 

My mouth formed a hard line, “His father is dead.” I was fed up and this talk hadn’t ended the way I’d wanted it to. 

 

“I’ll see you around,” I said airily. I didn’t want to talk about sex with my mentor anymore. 

 

I didn’t see the Darkling fuming behind me.

 

*~*~*

 

School was going well. I got an A+ on a test Zoya only got a B+ on! 

 

I was starting to understand how the Darkling used his power so easily, my whole class was progressing into little soldiers. 

 

Next year, at fourteen, we would start combat training with Botkin. Combat training was worth 35% of our overall grade, in other words, if you messed up combat training you failed. 

 

Ivan and I were happy I didn’t imagine after being with him for so long that we wouldn’t have broken up at least once. 

 

Genya and David, both older than me had been on and off for ages. Genya would get cranky when David was too invested in his school work or tinkering, and dump him. 

 

My light powers were able to make heat comparable to a fire. I’d singed my eyebrows a couple times. Baghra wouldn’t stop her mantra of whack, “bigger!”, thump, “hotter!” I swore that was all she’d said to me. 

 

*~*~* 

 

The Darkling pulled me out of school lessons, including Baghra’s lessons, for a day in midwinter. 

 

We were walking in the snow and when we’d walked out to the tree line he told me to stay well back. He moved his hands in a high curving arc, a thunderclap sounded and the top of the pine tree plummeted to the ground. 

 

My mouth was the shape of an “O”

 

“How’d you do that?” I asked. 

 

“I focused all my power in a small spot and imagined the thisness and thatness of the space between me and the top of the tree. Remember, like calls to like, so all you have to think about is the all the sunlight trapped in the tree.” 

 

“Ugh… ok…” That sounded next to impossible. I focused on a tree branch and thought about the sunlight trapped in the tree, the tree was at least partially made of sunlight right? It had to use the sunlight to make its needles. I tried to copy the movement he’d made and focused so hard I gave myself a headache. I moved my hands and nothing happened. 

 

“I wasn’t expecting anything to happen,” The Darkling said. 

 

“So why’d you bring me out here?” 

 

“Do you remember the night when you ran away after you first got here? The Fjerdan assassin was about to murder you and I saved you?” 

 

“Yeah, you cut him in half.” 

 

“That’s what the Cut does.” 

 

“Do I need to be able to do it?” 

 

“I’d like you to be able to do it, but maybe not yet.” 

 

We walked back in, had lunch, he talked to me about some ambassador that was annoying him and the King. We watched the fire and we kept a steady stream of conversation. 

 

Around seven bells Ivan came and knocked on my door. 

 

I let him in and got the feeling this was something most girls had to deal with. The protective guardian and the boyfriend. 

 

“Uhm can Alina come out and study for our grisha history test?” He had his books, even though I knew for a fact he had no intention of studying. 

 

“Of course I can,” I said, gathering my books. 

 

I left and hoped I’d prevented the Darkling from interrogating Ivan about his intentions. 

 

*~*~* 

 

Ivan ended up taking me to the student library. There were tall stacks from floor to ceiling and loads of places to hide out and kiss. 

 

I was currently sitting in Ivan’s lap and kissing him senseless. My fingers were tangled in his wavy hair. 

 

We sat like that for a long time. 

 

When I finally let him go he kissed my neck. Oh goodness gracious, it felt amazing… He bit down gently and I ground down on him in his lap. 

 

He bit harder and I moaned lightly. Ivan growled and I pressed a hand to his chest. 

 

I kept grinding on Ivan. He was starting to get definition in his arms and midsection and I was  _ living _ for it. 

 

I ground down particularly hard and he whimpered with need. 

 

I didn’t notice the Darkling until it was too late. 

 

He had a hold of Ivan by the ear and Ivan was yelping, crying out, “Alina, Alina, stop him!” 

 

I was powerless though. What was I supposed to do? Hurt my mentor because he caught my boyfriend and I kissing? 

 

“Please don’t hurt him!” I shouted to the Darkling. 

 

But the Darkling only kicked him out of the library. I was near tears. 

 

“Alina!” The Darkling called. 

 

I stomped my feet noisily all the way to him, “You stupid asshole!” I barked at the Darkling. 

 

“Let’s go, young lady.” The Darkling’s tone allowed no argument. 

 

We walked back to the Little Palace without a word. I stormed into my room and promptly burst into tears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave a comment or kudos if you enjoyed!


	5. A Short Lived First Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things between Ivan and Alina get serious. The Darkling disapproves strongly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Graphic sexual content.

*~*~*

 

**CHAPTER 4**

 

*~*~*

 

A rift formed between the Darkling and I. I avoided him and he made it his business to be occupied with strategic things even in winter. 

 

Besides that night in the library, the Darkling had given me extra papers to write for him on amplifiers and he made one of the oprichnik guards take me out to practice the Cut. He’d given me a crumbling stack of paper which he’d called Morozova’s journals, he told me to study them. 

 

I wouldn’t admit it to a living soul but I felt hollow without his company. 

 

My fourteenth birthday came and I decided to celebrate with Ivan. The Darkling had left early in the spring for Shu Han so he wasn’t here to celebrate it with me anyway, the first time in six years he hadn’t been there. 

 

I wanted to be intimate with Ivan. We’d been sneaking around, being careful and one time he’d let me see his… dick. Just see it, that’s it. 

 

So tonight we’d agreed not to have sex, both of us said we wanted to wait another year at least for that. Ivan had explained to me that there were other ways I could bring him pleasure and other ways for me to receive pleasure. 

 

So as I slipped into a thin robe, made of satin, I hoped our little trist wouldn’t be interrupted. I’d made it  _ very _ clear that I was not to be disturbed by the maids in the morning and that no oprichink guard should enter my room unless our lives were in imminent danger. I’d given the two guards that guarded my room a heavy stack of gold to forget any noises they heard tonight. 

 

Ivan came at nine bells, much later than would’ve been considered appropriate for studying. I welcomed him with a kiss and he kissed me slowly back. 

 

We stumbled into my candle lit room. He picked me up and carried me to the bed. He kissed me and I tilted my head to the side for him to press hickeys there. His glorious mouth pressed kisses and little bites to my neck and I felt myself heat with love and lust. 

 

My bed was about three times the size of his. I made room for him and I got on top of him. He was in shorts and a red shirt. I pulled the shirt over his head and smirked. God damn it, he looked good. He had biceps and his midsection was defined in a slight six pack. 

 

“What’s under that robe?” He asked me in a low growl. 

 

I pulled the robe off my shoulder and let the black satin just fall off of me. My breasts were bared to him, they were small still, and I was wearing red lace panties. 

 

His eyes were blown wide with need, “All Saints, Alina,” he whispered in my ear. I rocked my hips and kissed him, it was no more than we’d done before, besides the lack of clothes. 

 

He flipped us with that strength of his and I sighed as I felt his erection pressed to my damp panties. 

 

I needed to know something, “Do you love me?” I asked Ivan. 

 

“Of course, you’re my first love, you’re the kind of love people write songs and poems about,” Ivan said, digging his cock into my damp core and brushing his fingers reverently across my small breasts. It was like I was art, and this was the first time he was seeing a painting. 

 

I blushed and stilled my hips, “I love you, I’ve loved you since you tried to make me throw up on Nadia’s shoes.” 

 

He laughed, “Really romantic, Starkov,” he got rid of my panties and I took his pants off and let his hard tip brush against my folds. It felt divine… 

 

He sighed, “Don’t do that,” he was biting his lip and he looked like a fucking god. 

 

“Will you finger me?” I asked shyly.

 

I felt so bare. He settled his face between my legs. We’d talked about this, and I was ready. He slipped a finger inside me and I mewled with pleasure. 

 

We were a little bit awkward. He didn’t really know where to press or what to do. I’d rather he learned with me though. I showed him where I wanted to be touched and eventually he was licking my clit and I was moaning  _ loudly _ . 

 

His finger was pistoning in and out of me and he licked, sucked and bit my clit. It was heaven, it was hell. It was too much and not enough at the same time. 

 

“Fuck me, Ivan, please.” 

 

He kissed a line down my core and I guided another one of his fingers into me. I impaled myself on them and he didn’t stop moving his tongue on my clit. 

 

I felt strange, tense and euphoric. 

 

I pushed my hands into Ivan’s hair and moaned his name as I came. 

 

Ivan pulled his mouth off me, his lips slick with my come, “Did you just?” 

 

“Yes.” 

 

Ivan looked like the cat that got the canary. 

 

“You don’t really want me to fuck you right?” Ivan asked a little uncertainly. He said it like he wouldn’t mind doing it but… we’d promised each other to wait another year. 

 

“No I don’t but come’ere so I can give you a blow job.” 

 

Ivan laughed nervously. 

 

I brushed my hand against his cheek. “What’s wrong?” 

 

“I kind of came when you did.” 

 

I knew better than to laugh. We waited a while, kissing and talking and in a few minutes, he was ready to go. 

 

He stood up, and I got down on my knees, on the carpeted floor. I kissed the tip of his cock and put the tip of it in my mouth, he tasted salty but that was probably just the come from last time. I worked the length of his cock down in my mouth until I was covering about half his length. His knees wobbled as I sucked. I looked up at him through my lashes and found he was staring down at me. I bobbed my head up and down and he put his fingers in my unbound hair, he gathered it into a ponytail and pulled my hair. I moaned around his length, and he muttered an oath, then, “Alina I’m going to come.” 

 

I moaned as he pulled my hair hard and closed my eyes as he came forcefully in my mouth. The sounds he made and the way his knees wobbled told me I’d done a good job. 

 

I had no idea what to do with his come. I’d heard of spitting… 

 

I swallowed and washed it down with some cold tea from my nightstand. 

 

We kept at it most of the night. 

 

*~*~*

 

Because the Darkling was gone Ivan and I spent much of the summer being sickeningly adorable. Marie and Sergei were together now too. Genya and David were back on so sometimes we all hung out together. 

 

Genya had taken up dying the ends of my hair purple, among other colors. She taught me how to do makeup and gave me the things to do my own makeup. 

 

Once a week on Friday night Ivan would come to my bedroom and we’d sleep in until noon on Saturday morning. It was all good fun. 

 

This year in school we’d be starting combat training and I was looking forward to the changes that would bring in both my body and Ivan’s. 

 

I received a letter on one August day and saw it was in an unfamiliar tidy scrawl, what could this be about? 

 

It read: 

 

_ My dearest Alina,  _

 

_ I have been gravely injured in battle. I will be home in two weeks if I live that long. _

 

_ Yours with haste,  _

 

_ The Darkling _

 

I checked the postmark, it was postmarked over three weeks ago. Fuck. What if he met trouble on the road? I knew he was coming from the south, those roads were difficult even in the summer. 

 

Fuck, fuck, fuck. 

 

There was nothing I could do. I had to wait it out, either to hear of his death or wait for his coach come back. 

 

*~*~* 

 

In the early hours of the next morning, I heard shouting in the hallway and quickly put on my kefta over my pajamas.

 

What I saw… it horrified me. 

 

The Darkling was being walked in on a stretcher. He was bare-chested and a horrendous wound covered the left side of his chest. 

 

I started crying. 

 

He was going to die and the last things I’d said to him were horrible. 

 

Healers, probably all the oldest, most qualified healers were pouring into his room. 

 

I hadn’t told Ivan about this. I hadn’t had time, I’d been crying since the letter arrived and had just managed to cry myself to sleep. 

 

I tried to step into his room but Genya appeared from the room, and pushed me back, “You have to let the healers work on him.” 

 

Genya looked like she’d been up all night. She wrapped her arms around me and held me close. I sobbed violently in her arms. 

 

Genya walked me back to my room and called for hot chocolate. 

 

I perched myself on my bed, while Genya waited on the tray. I was gasping for air and close to being sick to my stomach I was crying so hard by the time the tray came. 

 

Genya walked the hot chocolate into my room, “It’s the perfect temperature, just take little sips.” 

 

I gulped it down and then Genya tucked me into bed. 

 

I didn’t realize until the next morning that she’d spiked my drink with a sedative. 

 

The sun was high in the sky when I woke up. I felt like someone hit me over the head with a brick. I ordered coffee instead of tea and plain toast. 

 

I had one slice of toast and one cup of coffee before I walked over to the Darkling’s room. I took a shuddering breath in and knocked. 

 

“Who is it?” A sharp female voice asked from behind the door. 

 

“Alina.” 

 

“Come in.” The Darkling’s voice sounded from behind the door. 

 

I opened the door and saw the Darkling sitting up in bed. He was pale as death and his voice was slurred. 

 

A healer in her red and grey robe sat up and said, “I’ll wait by the door.” 

 

I sunk down onto his bed and bit my cheek hard to keep from crying. “I didn’t get your letter until yesterday.” 

 

“I figured. I heard you crying last night and told Genya to knock you out.” 

 

I pouted, “what the hell happened to you?” My lip was wobbling and I didn’t know what else to say. 

 

He brushed his thumb against my lip. “One of my grisha betrayed me.” 

 

My eyes were wide with shock, “A Ravkan grisha betrayed you?” 

 

“Yes.” 

 

“Is your wound infected?” He didn’t look like he had a fever… 

 

“No, thankfully the Healers kept it clean. They just finished the rest of the work on the skin and my lung this morning.” I couldn’t help it, I started crying. “ _ Dorogaya _ , don’t cry.” 

 

I cradled his head in my arms and looked into his eyes. “I am nothing without you! You’ve done so much for me and the last thing I said to you was horrible!” I pressed a ginger kiss to his black hair. 

 

I leaned away from him and saw he was giving me a watery smile, “You are the sun, Alina. Everything revolves around you, I am merely the darkness giving you contrast to shine.” 

 

There was no one in the room so I pressed another hesitant kiss to his forehead. “Is your season ruined?” 

 

The Darkling blinked and he tried to shrug. It looked like it hurt though, “The King needs to be disappointed occasionally.” 

 

I laughed and rubbed away my tears. “Promise me you’ll never let me be so stupid again?” 

 

“It was me who didn’t realize I had a traitor in my midst,” he tried to brush it off. 

 

“I’m serious, no one can get between our friendship. Not even Ivan.” 

 

The Darkling gave me an uneasy smile. “I need some more pain medicine.” 

 

“… I’ll visit you later.” 

 

The Darkling looked like he was going to say something, thought better of it and said, “I’ll see you around.” 

 

I got off his bed and headed for the door. 

 

*~*~*

 

The next several days I spent split between reading to the Darkling and trying to explain to Ivan that he couldn’t come to my room anymore. He was acting so sex-addicted! 

 

“Alina, don’t you want me?” Ivan said to me two days after the Darkling came back. 

 

I stomped my foot on his boot under the desk we were working at. “Think with your brain, not the other head!” 

 

“Ow!” 

 

We were in the library attempting to study. 

 

“You know you haven’t kissed me in two days?” Ivan protested. 

 

“I didn’t realize we were counting,” I said snidely. 

 

Genya walked into the library and interrupted our bickering, “the Darkling wants to see you Alina.” 

 

I started packing my books. 

 

Ivan stood up and knocked my books out of my hand. I knew he was turning into more of a brute, the boy I had fallen in love was being replaced with a killing machine. The curious boy who’d used his powers to play jokes and was pure at heart was dying, replaced by a soldier that was aiming to be one of the Darkling’s best. 

 

I kneed him in the groin, it was a low blow and probably meant that after over two years we were done but nothing was going to get in between my friendship with the Darkling. 

 

Genya took me by the arm and led me out of the library, leaving Ivan bent over and gasping for air. 

 

“If Ivan was  _ my age _ and he did that to you or acted that way in front of the Darkling, you don’t want to know what would happen. Alina, you’ve been sheltered in the school and your little nights with Ivan that you’ve forgotten you’re Alina Starkov, the Darklings pet, and savior to Ravka!” 

 

“I’m not his pet!” I snapped, louder than I’d meant to. 

 

“You’re still the savior to Ravka!” Genya challenged me. 

 

“Just let me go see him…” 

 

Genya let my arm go, “Remember who you are Alina!” She called to my retreating form. 

 

*~*~*

 

On the walk back I’d realized the repercussions of kneeing my boyfriend in the balls. Ivan and I had started coming of age together and I’d given some of my firsts to Ivan. I knocked on the Darkling’s door and tried to bury my fears about my boyfriend. 

 

“Alina?” He called out. 

 

I stuck my head in the door and smiled. “How’re you feeling?” I walked in a took the seat opposite him. 

 

He smiled grimly, “Sore, but grateful.” 

 

I looked at him. I had a feeling this was about to turn serious, “What do you mean?” 

 

“I’m a Darkling, Alina. There have been more attempts on my life than I can honestly remember.” 

 

It was terrible of me but I asked The Question, “How old are you?” 

 

He shook his head and sipped his tea, it smelled strange…”Old enough.” 

 

I sighed deeply, “If I wanted nonanswers, I would have done my grisha history homework.” 

 

He laughed lightly, it looked like it hurt, “There are some things you have to wait to know. Wait until we destroy The Fold. Then I’ll give you some real answers.” 

 

“That’s a long time to wait,” I said sternly. 

 

“Some things are worth the wait.” 

 

We sat together in silence for a long time. Finally, long after darkness had fallen and I was feeling remorseful for hurting Ivan, I kissed the Darkling’s hair and snuck out to the school’s dorms. 

 

*~*~*

 

“Ivan! Open the Saint’s forsaken door!” 

 

There was silence on the other end. 

 

Where could he possibly be? 

 

I was angry with Ivan, but I knew if he had done something like that to me, it would’ve been over… forever. 

 

The next couple days passed in a whirlwind of classes and tea with the Darkling. Ivan wasn’t in class and I was really worried. 

 

I got back from class one afternoon nearly a week later and Ivan was sulking outside my room. 

 

I tapped my foot, “Where have you been?” I asked worriedly. 

 

Ivan gave me a snide smile, “I peed blood for four days after you assaulted me.” 

 

_ Assaulted? _

 

I wondered if he’d taken this up with the Darkling. “I didn’t mean…” 

 

“We’re over, if I want a dirty virgin to suck my dick I’ll find someone I can actually defend myself against.” 

 

I burst into tears, Ivan leaned forward and whispered in my ear, “So much for saving ourselves for each other, I bet you’ll hand over your virginity to the Darkling in an instant.” 

 

I slunk into my room like a kicked puppy. I knew he was right, he deserved better than a girl that  _ assaulted _ him. I couldn’t get that out of my head. That and the idea I would  _ ever _ sleep with the Darkling! In all the years I’d known him I’d never known him to have lovers. 

 

I cried myself dry that night, horrified with myself. 

 

*~*~*

 

Combat training classes started a few weeks later. We didn’t do any  _ actual _ combat training but Botkin made us run the grounds, learn the proper form for push ups, sit ups, squats, and the right stance to the throw a punch. 

 

Botkin made it extremely clear that our powers would not help us in this class and if we dared to use them in class then we would be given a failing grade for the whole year. 

 

After the first six weeks, all of us were sore but in much better condition. All the boys were doing extra practice outside of class. 

 

Zoya got a gaggle of girls, myself included, to do extra laps. 

 

It was tiring but worth it.

 

Ivan took great pleasure in lapping me in running practice. He liked to run with his shirt off and… what could I say? I was a weak woman. I missed him. 

 

*~*~*

 

Months passed until finally, the Winter Fete was upon us. It was mostly for the adult grisha. I was depressed, and of all the people to notice, Genya had, she and I had taken to a closer friendship. She turned sixteen this fall and she was allowed to go to the Fete. We’d had extensive talks about Ivan. Whenever we talked, she emphasized that I was the  _ Sun Summoner _ . As if that meant anything to me. Baghra and the Darkling had been on me like white on rice to get the Cut down. 

 

I was under pressure. Ivan didn’t have a new girlfriend but he had kissed Zoya a couple times, to my utter dismay. My grades had taken a slight dip. 

 

It was the night of the fete, Genya was curling my hair and dyeing the tips gold. My hair was very long, nearly to my lower back. 

 

Genya swore if I used her hard work to win Ivan back she’d poison me, and I didn’t doubt her. 

 

But that was exactly what I was going to do. My heart ached for him. 

 

Genya kissed my cheek when she was done, “You look perfect.” 

 

Genya’s plan was to sneak me into the Fete. I didn’t want Genya to get in trouble for me but it  _ was _ an exciting prospect. She pulled out a box from the Fabrikators and lifted the top off. It was a black kefta… but in pure silk, with golden lining and my customary sun clasp. I sucked in a breath. 

 

“Genya! This is beautiful!” I gasped. It was perfect, not too showy so I wouldn’t stick out, other than the black, and it was very…  _ Alina. _

 

I hugged her tight. I slipped behind my dressing screen and got dressed, carefully doing up the buttons. I felt like a goddess. 

 

This was the first night in almost a whole season that I didn’t feel like throwing myself into my fireplace. 

 

Genya took my hand and we were off. 

 

*~*~* 

 

It was crowded, there were important people from across the world here. Genya handed me a flute of champagne and I paused. Getting drunk had never been on the agenda. I reasoned with myself I would have  _ one _ flute and then proceed with my night. 

 

There was light lovely music and Genya twirled me around on the dance floor. If anyone thought it was strange for two teenage girls to dance with each other no one said anything. 

 

The presentation of the different tricks and stunts from the grisha orders was fantastic. We were halfway through the Tidemakers’ demonstration and a tray with fresh flutes of champagne started through the crowd. Genya had at least four flutes and I simply discarded my empty glass on the tray. 

 

A hand I recognized picked up two flutes and pressed one into my hand, then rested their hand on my shoulder. 

 

Just from the weight of his hand, I knew it was Ivan. 

 

His arms wrapped around me and it felt like coming home. 

 

I sipped the champagne. I could faintly smell it on him. I turned in the circle of his arms. 

 

“I missed you.” I breathed into his ear, my breath hovering over the shell of his ear. 

 

He groaned. He had grown and now stood several inches above me. 

 

He bit his lip, “I went out my mind without you.” 

 

He was drunk… maybe I shouldn’t talk to him, wait until the morning. He ran his hand through my hair and gently pulled on my hair. 

 

Hormones were pounding down the door to the sector of my brain that controlled rational thought. His scent, some kind of cologne that smelled like the sea and clean linen made the warning signs and red flares in my brain quiet. 

 

“How much have you had to drink?” I asked, the last rational thought I would be able to produce. 

 

“This is my third flute of champagne.” He whispered to me. 

 

I couldn’t help it, I leaned in and kissed him. This wasn’t how I wanted things to happen. He kissed me back enthusiastically. We stood there, lost in the crowd, unseen by anyone who mattered and his hand went to my hip. I’d gotten an actual curve there since combat training had started and he dug his fingers into the soft flesh there. 

 

I pulled back when the need for air became a problem. I looked around, we needed to escape for a few minutes. 

 

I found a door that was unlocked… something about it seemed familiar but it was dark and no one, myself included, knew what it was. 

 

I pulled Ivan into the little room and downed the flute of champagne he’d gotten for me. I kissed him fiercely, my heart had missed him and my body was reacting. I pushed his red kefta off his shoulders and untucked his shirt. I moved my hands over his strong midsection and started unbuckling his belt. 

 

Hormones were coursing through me at lightning speed and I definitely didn’t hear the door on the other side of the room opening. Ivan had me pinned against the wall and I pulled up my skirts, he brushed my panties to the side and I let one final sigh of pleasure loose before… 

 

“ALINA MARIE STARKOV AND IVAN  ALEXEI SOKOLOV!” The Darkling’s deep voice resounded in the small circular room. His hands went high and I thought he was going to use the Cut. 

 

I took Ivan and ran. 

 

*~*~*

 

We were laughing once we got outside. There was nothing funny about what we’d just done, but after chugging champagne and… almost having sex… I was running high. 

 

Ivan’s eyes were glassy but gleaming in the starlight. He pulled my hand in the direction of the school. We could barely walk five feet without kissing. 

 

Finally, when we were just outside the school, I had a little sense return to me, “Did you even have a condom with you?” 

 

He removed a foil packet from his kefta. 

 

I grinned like a mad woman. 

 

The boys from the dorm were out, probably trying to sneak into the Fete. Ivan and I made ourselves comfortable. I was ready to give myself to him, damn the Darkling.

 

There was a hard knock on the door.

 

We stayed quiet as mice. 

 

“Alina,  _ dorogaya _ , you will regret giving yourself to him.” 

 

An acidic voice chimed in, “that and I’m going to fucking poison you!” Genya barked. 

 

I should’ve known. 

 

I hugged him and kissed him. For all I knew, the Darkling was going to cut him in half right now. 

 

“I love you.” He whispered to me. 

 

“I love you too.” I whispered back. 

 

I opened the door and slid out. 

 

Genya yanked me down the stairs, the Darkling stayed and I didn’t hear any screams so I assumed he wasn’t killing Ivan. 


	6. Withering Lotus Blossom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alina and Ivan sever their ties permanently. The Darkling is... Terrible(tm) and Alina comes into some knowledge about her mentor, maybe more than she'd bargained for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took me a literal light year to update. Trigger warning for a small Ivan being a dick scene

*~*~*

 

**CHAPTER 5**

 

*~*~* 

 

Genya forgave me, bless her heart. 

 

But the Darkling was another case entirely. He gave me a curfew, a massive amount of reading to do and took me out every day to work on the Cut. 

 

I had no time to see Ivan, except for in class. 

 

Grisha history class was covering the saints this term and one of the teachers was postulating the Ilya Morozova was actually a grisha. 

 

I passed my note to Ivan. 

 

_ I want to suck you off, swirl my tongue around your tip and let you deepthroat me until I gag.  _

 

Ivan read the note, adjusted his pants and wrote back. 

 

_ I want to fuck you, I want to stay inside you with my come inside you.  _

 

I read the note and turned scarlet. 

 

“Miss Starkov, was Ilya Morozova a Fabrikator or a Corporalki?” The teacher asked. 

 

The entire class looked at me. The teacher was a squaller and he did something with the air pressure so the note zoomed to him. 

 

“Ivan, please go see the principal and take this note with you.” The teacher wrote something on our note. “Miss Starkov, I’m sure the Darkling would love to hear from you.” He jotted down another note. 

 

I gritted my teeth together. I hoped we didn’t get thrown out of school. 

 

Ivan and I got up. I took the note and walked to the war room. 

 

I knocked, and two voices inside the room went silent. “Who is it?” 

 

“Alina.” 

 

I heard the Darkling dismiss whoever he was with. “Come in,” he said after a beat. 

 

I handed him the note. The Darkling’s face only showed concern, he looked visibly upset. 

 

“Alina,” he sighed heavily, “You must understand that you  _ cannot _ give yourself to Ivan. You will be expected to make a suitable marriage someday and that will never happen if you’ve sullied yourself with this…  **_boy_ ** .” 

 

“I love him!” I protested quietly. 

 

The Darkling pushed his chair out and walked to me, “Alina, I don’t know how many times I will have to say this. You are the Sun Summoner. You are so much more than he will ever be. There are small factions throughout Ravka that are aware of your power. Alina, you will be a Saint.” 

 

I didn’t want to be a Saint. I wanted to be Alina, just Alina. “Haven’t you ever loved someone?” I snapped bitterly. 

 

“Yes, I have,” the Darkling said quietly, and I wondered immediately who he had loved, and if he had lost them. 

 

I felt a tear slide down my cheek. 

 

“Solnishka, please don’t cry, you are so loved by your people, and by me.” 

 

I bit the inside of my cheek to stop the flow of tears. He was right. I had to stop. The Darkling was usually right and he hadn’t failed me yet. 

 

He pulled me in and kissed my hair. “It will be alright.” 

 

*~*~*

 

I steered clear of Ivan for most of the school year after that. I didn’t want the Darkling to hear of us being seen near each other. The Darkling meant more to me than Ivan, he’d raised me, taken me in and showed me my light. 

 

Finals came and went and I knew some of my classmates were starting to recognize that they’d been foolish to think of me as  _ Alina their friend _ . I was  _ Alina The Sun Summoner _ . 

 

I’d stopped going to lessons with Baghra. She kept asking me to make my power bigger, brighter, hotter, and I couldn’t. The Darkling would protest and tell me to go back to my lessons, but I remained steadfast in my refusal. Baghra made me feel like the orphan I had once been, not the young woman I was growing into. 

 

It was very early spring now… my fifteenth birthday would be here before I knew it. I didn’t know what I wanted to do to celebrate. Furthermore, the Darkling hadn’t asked me what I wanted to do. 

 

I sought him out one night in late March. I knocked on his door for what seemed like an eternity and waited for him to answer, when he did answer the door he was wearing only breeches and his kefta (unbuttoned). 

 

His usually pale cheeks were pink. “You look like you have a fever,” I said and pressed the back on my hand to his forehead. 

 

“I’m fine.” 

 

I was trying not to look at his chest. What I had thought would be lean and lithe was actually thick with corded muscle. He was a dark god. 

 

He cleared his throat, “This is actually a good time to discuss something.” 

 

I blinked and refocused on his face, “Oh yeah? Like what?” 

 

“Some things are going to change between us as you get older.” 

 

“Well you’ll always be my mentor right?” 

 

The Darkling gave me a forlorn smile, “I would hope so, but maybe someday we can be equals.” 

 

“You’re a lot more powerful than me,” I tried to reason with him. 

 

“I am, but you’re the best thing that’s happened to me in a long, long time.” 

 

I flushed, I didn’t think I’d ever heard anything like that from him, I leaned in and hugged him. He let us hug for a brief second and then walked me to the door. He kissed my hair and I left his rooms. 

 

*~*~*

 

I ended the school year on a strong note. I finished top of my class, much to Zoya’s discontent. Through the Darkling’s tutoring and my own growth, I had matured into a powerful young woman. 

 

My fifteenth birthday was just days after finals and I wanted a small party.

 

It the night before my birthday, just as I was about to go to bed there was a knock on the door. I groaned, I wanted to go to bed, as it was easily past midnight. 

 

I straightened my kefta and went for the door. 

 

Standing there was someone I barely recognized. 

 

“Are you going to let me in?” Ivan asked. I could smell the liquor on him. 

 

“You’re drunk,” I said flatly. 

 

“Do you remember what you promised me last year?” He said and pushed the door open. 

 

“That deal doesn’t stand,” I stepped back, I was scared. Apparently, the year had much changed Ivan. 

 

“Oh yes it does,” he pushed forward into my room and my head thumped against the hardwood door. He pressed a bruising kiss to my lips and I tried to bite him. I beat my fists on his chest, but he had always been a brute and it was like pounding on a brick wall. His arms were wrapped tight around my waist. His tongue pushed into my mouth and the liquor fumes were almost going to make me sick. I bit his tongue, but that didn’t seem to deter him. My heart was beating a million miles an hour. I could hear him fiddling with his belt, he was distracted and I took my opportunity to jam my foot on his instep. He yelped and I  _ screamed _ . 

 

His hand went for my skirt, but before he could get to anything the Darkling’s hands were on Ivan. He grabbed Ivan by the scruff of his kefta and pulled him away from me. For good measure, he cracked his fist against his jaw. I had never thought the Darkling would be one for physical violence. 

 

I watched as Darkling carefully calculated his next words. 

 

“Ivan, rape is a capital offense.” The Darkling said slowly. 

 

“She promised her virginity to me!” Ivan blustered. 

 

The Darkling was shaking, I’d never seen him so angry in all my life. I had never expected this of Ivan. Sure, he was a brute, but he’d always cared about me now he was just another person I had to lose. 

 

There was a loud crack and I saw that The Darkling Had broken Ivan’s hand. I knew he was doing this for me because this had been too close of a call. 

 

“Do not mistake my mercy, if you so much as come within twenty feet of her again I will kill you on the spot,” the Darkling snarled at Ivan. 

 

The shame was starting to burn in my gut. This was my fault if only I had been stronger! 

 

The Darkling came to me, helped me to my feet. He pulled me into his rooms and I began to sob in earnest. “Shhh, he’s not going to hurt you.”

 

I clung to him, feeling his warmth and his arms wrapped around me. We were alone, and he was kissing my hair. 

 

“You’re going to be ok,” he whispered in my ear. 

 

I could feel bruises on my arms and torso forming. I was going to be sore. “I t-thought h-he was coming to wish me a h-h-happy birthday!” I sobbed into my mentor’s shoulder. 

 

The Darkling didn’t say anything just rubbed my back and whispered nice things in my ear. 

 

The Darkling moved us to the couch. We stayed like that until my sobs quieted and I fell asleep on his shoulder. 

 

*~*~* 

 

The Darkling went out of his way to make sure I had a good birthday, and beside the lingering unpleasantness of the previous night, it was. 

 

He surprised me with a small fete that had apparently been together at the last second. A few boys danced with me, some of them Etherealki and some Corporalki. Mostly it was just Genya and me twirling each other around on the dance floor though. 

 

The Darkling was essentially chaperoning me, so when he asked to dance with me, I didn’t think much of it. 

 

I had been taught the steps to the waltz, and he guided me through the steps with ease. 

 

As we danced, he held me close, and I could feel the warmth radiating off his body, “ _ Dorogaya _ , what’s on your mind?” 

 

“Nothing,” I said as we made our way through the ballroom. There was actually more on my mind than I cared to admit. 

 

“The next couple years are going to be important. I’m going to talk to you after the party, and we have some decisions to make.” 

 

I shuddered, “What do you mean?” 

 

“Well, there’s the matter of your  _ abilities _ .” He said softly. 

 

“They’re not going to get any better... I can’t destroy the Fold,” I let my cheek rest on his chest. 

 

“There’s a way,” He said softly, and handed me off to Genya. 

 

*~*~*

 

I was giggling and laughing with Genya as she walked me back to my room, the oprichniki had been tasked with making sure I got from place to place without being accosted by Ivan. 

 

Genya opened the door to my room and the Darkling was sitting in one of my chairs. He had a stack of papers that looked absolutely ancient. 

 

“I’ll let you two talk,” Genya said. 

 

“Goodnight Genya.” 

 

The Darkling was looking at me with a light in his eyes I hadn’t seen before. It was curious how the topic of destroying the Fold made him so… happy. 

 

“What are those?” I asked, gesturing to the stack of old papers

 

“Your birthday present, or one of them…” 

 

“You’ve given me plenty of presents already tonight,” I sat down next to him and smiled. 

 

“This is something that we should talk about when I said there was a way for you to destroy the Fold with your power I meant it.” 

 

“So an amplifier?” I tried to guess.

 

“There are somethings you should know before we start talking about these papers. First of all, I know one of your favorite questions to ask me is ‘how old are you’ so I’ll answer that question, granted you keep the answer a complete secret.” He looked at me expectantly.

 

I swallowed hard and nodded.

 

“I’m five hundred and thirty-one years old.”

 

My jaw was on the floor, “But then… you’re as old as the Fold! Did you know the Darkling that created it? Are you his son?”

 

The Darkling steepled his fingers and suddenly looked very, very tired, “ _ Dorogaya _ ,  **I** created it.” 

 

I inhaled sharply, “But you want to make it right?” I had to hold out some hope that my mentor was still the man I cared about and had raised me. “You have me, you’ll always have me, and we can destroy it together.” 

 

He gave me a weary smile, “I think you should look to the rulers we have now. They’ve wasted so many grisha lives on the endless border wars, there’s a simpler solution and it will require no Ravkan blood.” 

 

I was confused, of course, war always led to death… unless he wasn’t talking about war, “I don’t understand.” 

 

He nodded and said, “If you don’t understand now, you’ll understand in a few years.” 

 

“Years?” I squeaked. 

 

“Yes, read the journals,” He was beginning to look every minute as old as his five hundred years. Or maybe he just looked tired. 

 

“You can’t expect me to wait years to find this out!” I’m on my feet and brushing my fingers against his kefta, “Please don’t shut me out,  _ papochka. _ ” 

 

“I’m not  _ your father _ .” The Darkling said venomously. He stood and I thought he might do something he’d regret but… I backed away from him, feeling physically ill. He was as close to a father I would ever get. 

 

He backed away from me and then turned and left the room, if I didn’t know him as well as I did it would’ve been easy to miss the angry set to his shoulders, and I did not see him again for quite some time. 

 

*~*~* 

 

I had read Morozova’s journals front to back three times when the Darkling deigned to talk to me again, actually, he wrote because it was the middle of summer. 

 

_ My Dearest Alina _ , 

 

_ I hope you’ve enjoyed your holidays. I will not be home until late in the season, most likely not until after school starts.  _

 

_ Regards,  _

 

_ The Darkling _

 

I didn’t know where to begin with him. He was avoiding me, and now that I didn’t have Ivan to keep me company I’d been spending a lot of time with Genya. I knew I had to guard his secret, that he was the Black Heretic. It seemed like such a weight to put on me. I loved him, like family. He had been there every step of the way for me and I would always be thankful for that. 

 

_ Regards _ . He made it sound like he was writing to some pestering foreign dignitary that was asking him for a loan! Not the girl he’d mentored from childhood. 

 

*~*~*

 

The summer was excruciatingly long and it was humid and hot. I’d passed out several times by the time August rolled around, I’d lost weight, and I wasn’t sleeping. 

 

I had stopped summoning, because what was the point? If I didn’t have a mentor to help me, which I’d somehow worked it up in my head to make it seem like the Darkling’s moodiness was a personal betrayal, what was the point of being the Sun Summoner?

 

Another month passed and I was slowly getting sicker and sicker. I needed to summon, but I refused. As I lie in bed, deteriorating in health every day I could only imagine one reason that the Darkling would react  _ that _ badly to me calling him my father.   He either hated me or had fallen in love with me. I suspected the latter.

 

I wasn’t sure I knew what to do. I suspected he loved me because that would be so much harder. I cared about him so much, it broke my heart to think he had carried the guilt of creating the Fold for so long. I wanted to help him but I also needed to know more. Was it an accident? Had he purposely divided Ravka? 

 

The Darkling was devastatingly handsome, quick-witted and more powerful than any other grisha in existence and he had somehow gotten his heart tangled up with mine. 

 

I continued to refuse to summon. I needed to have answers, and it was so frustrating to only know he was angry with or himself for this and his words stung me. 

 

When September came and went, and the Darkling arrived home, I did not greet him like I usually would, instead, he came to my bedside, where I’d been all day after passing out. 

 

I was feeling foggy. I heard him before I saw him, he was speaking in that eerily cool tone that meant he was furious at the oprichniki, and most likely Genya, I distinctly heard her apologizing profusely to him. 

 

“Alina.” He came to my bedside and held my hand, “Come with me, you’re going to summon right now.” 

 

“Good to see you too,” I grumbled. 

 

“Alina, this is not a joke.” I thought I saw pain, infinite pain in his eyes, but it was gone just as soon as I’d seen it. 

 

He scooped me in his arms. He carried me as if I weighed nothing, and honestly, I’d probably lost twenty pounds over the long summer. I’d refused to go to class. He carried me out to the grisha pavilion, Saints it must’ve been quite the sight for the other grisha. 

 

“I’m going to put you down.” 

 

“I can’t summon.” 

 

“Yes, you can.” 

 

“ _ No _ , I can’t.” He set me on my feet and he put his hand in mine. I felt the wave of power surge through my veins and the urge to summon was immediate. 

 

“ _ Please _ , Alina.” 

 

“No! How am I supposed to summon the light? When you aren’t around there is no sun in my life.” 

 

“I’m right here,  _ solnishka _ .” He squeezed my hand, flooding me with power. 

 

I didn’t realize I’d said it until after it came out of my mouth, “I don’t want you to go on campaign anymore, not without me.” My cheeks flushed and I summoned a halo of light. 

 

He ignored my request, “hold the light, solnishka.” 

 

And then he was facing me, looking into my eyes. He said in an undertone, “I’ll see what I can do.” 

 

I sighed with relief and the light coursed through me harder. 

 

“I know you’re in love with me.” I whispered, “It’s ok.” 

 

The Darkling’s eyes were wide with alarm, “No, it’s not ok, and I will do everything in my power to prevent it.” 

 

I let the light go out, “I want-”

 

“I do not care what you want,” he said in a rush as if the words had to be said quickly, like taking off a bandaid, “it is inappropriate, I care about you too much.” 

 

I felt the sting of tears building in my eyes. 

 

“ _Please_ , I understand.” 

 

“No you don’t, you will not understand until you are older.” 

 

He let me go and I felt red hot anger surge up in me, but there was nothing I could do, he was a million miles away. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave a comment or kudos if you enjoyed!


	7. Drowning Black Lotus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aleksander and Alina have a tense couple months, fraught with holiday blues and an almost love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's wonderwall!

The next several months were tense. The Darkling avoided me and even one night, when I went to his chambers he turned me away. I didn’t know what to do. He had sent me several small missives that had reminded me to summon and that he would go during campaign season if I refused. So I resumed my studies, ate with the other Etherealki and studied with Genya. 

 

School was getting harder and Baghra had ordered that I resume my lessons with her. I had grown weak and my summoning abilities were… mediocre. 

 

My mind wouldn’t shut up about Morozova’s amplifiers. They were the complete opposite of everything I’d ever heard about amplifiers. They were meant to be  _ combined _ defying the laws of grisha theory. It was a little mind-boggling. 

 

The seasons were changing and the first snowfall of winter had arrived. I bundled up and made my way out to the grisha pavilion for some practice. I had developed the ability to change the color of my light. I loved entertaining the younger kids with floating, blue butterflies of light. It made me very popular among the younger students. 

 

Not that it really mattered to me. 

 

The world was a stark, cruel place without the guiding hand of the Darkling. I knew he had done bad things, many, many, many years ago but it seemed like he had been trying to make things right ever since. 

 

I let one last blue butterfly streak through the snow-filled air and started to make my way inside. Saint Nicholas Day was tomorrow. 

 

*~*~*

 

The Darkling had a dress made for me. It was black, of course, and had gold accents. Genya was allowed to go to the fete as well and she was dressed in a beautiful teal gown. I was nervous as all hell. I had missed him so much and I had no idea if he would even be there tonight. 

 

I had told Genya none of my fears or dreams about the Darkling. I couldn’t. I had to carry the burden alone and it was getting to be too much. 

 

So as she curled my hair and added touches of golden blonde I stayed quiet. 

 

“Something’s wrong Alina,” she said without preamble. 

 

“We’re in Ravka something’s always wrong,” I said and exhaled hard. 

 

“Come on. Please, tell me what's on your mind.” 

 

“I miss him. I miss him so much. He might control darkness but there is no one in my life that makes my days brighter than him. He confessed something to me and he’s avoided me for so long. It’s been three months since he spent time with me alone. I swear in Saint’s name that I just want to hug him, I want to hold his hand and know that he’s ok.” 

 

Genya’s eyebrows were at her hairline. 

 

“Alina.” 

 

“It’s stupid, I know.” 

 

“You’re in love,” Genya said. 

 

“What? No, he’s just my mentor. He just guides me.” 

 

Genya makes an unladylike sound, “Just don’t do anything stupid.” 

 

“Leave it, Genya” My voice was unexpectedly sharp. 

 

She sighed and finished up my hair. 

 

I put on my gown and looked in the mirror. I was tall for my age, although not taller than Genya. I was wearing heels so I looked taller than usual. My gown was made of a silken material that was clearly Fabrikator craft. I had gold eyeshadow and thick kohl on my eyes. I was wearing dark red lipstick and I had the Darkling’s symbol on a thin gold chain around my neck. 

 

I wasn’t entirely sure I recognized myself. 

 

I had no one to escort me to the ballroom or… so I thought. 

 

Outside my room was the King of Ravka. 

 

“ _ Moy tsar _ , I had no idea you’d be accompanying me to the ballroom!” I said in shock. 

 

“Ah, it was a surprise. The Darkling wanted to escort you but I wanted to have a word with you.” 

 

“Oh… alright.”

 

He offered his arm and I took it, as soon as we were out of earshot from Genya and the oprichniki he cornered me. 

 

I was backed against a wall in a dimly lit hallway of the Little Palace. 

 

“You’re the Darkling’s whore, there are rumors...” His breath smelled stale and he had spittle on his chin. I thought I was going to be sick, “Tell me his plans or you will not enjoy this Saint Nicholas fete.” 

 

“I-I-I have no idea what you’re t-talking about,” I said, my voice unsteady even though I wanted to be strong. 

 

“You can barely call your power to you, why have I wasted  _ years _ training you with Ravkan gold?” 

 

Ah, there was the sticking point. He knew I was going to get an amplifier and he thought we were going to overthrow him. 

 

“He doesn’t tell me anything-” 

 

“ _ Moy tsar _ , kindly step back from the Sun Summoner,” The Darkling said cooly. 

 

The King stepped back. He hadn’t touched me anywhere, just intimidated me.

 

“Darkling, you will meet with me tomorrow and you will disclose your plans for the Sun Summoner,” The King’s voice was vile. 

 

“Of course,  _ Moy tsar _ .” But I could’ve sworn his eyes were flashing anger and a muscle feathered in his jaw that indicated he would’ve liked to cut open the King for treating me that way. 

 

The King stalked off. 

 

The Darkling cast a glance at me… as if to ask if I was okay. 

 

“We’re late,” is all that came out of his mouth though.

 

I rolled my shoulders and tried to rid myself of the disgusting smell of the King’s breath. When the King had stepped away, and we were clearly out of earshot the Darkling said in an undertone, “He is a fool to treat you that way.” 

 

I tried to hide my shock because he had just spoken treason, but something in me was desperately appreciative that he was sticking up for me. 

 

The Darkling offered his arm and we walked gracefully to the Grand Palace. There was that jolt of power that I always felt when he touched me. I should really be used to it by now but all my senses were on high alert. 

 

There was a roar of applause when we entered the grand ballroom. But the Darkling merely nodded curtly and went to go speak to some foreign dignitaries. 

 

I wasn’t sure what I had been expecting. I went over and got myself some sparkling water. I had no desire to drink, the last time I’d drank I’d almost made a huge mistake and no one, especially me, wanted a repeat of that. 

 

The night went on and I danced with a few Corporalki and I thought nothing would come of it. I was feeling hopeless and lonely. 

 

I felt that familiar jolt of power coursed through me as the Darkling brushed my hand. 

 

“Nice of you to show up,” I said hollowly. 

 

He looked bone tired. We hadn’t given each other our gifts yet and I wanted to give him my gift in private. 

 

“Let me dance with you?” He asked. 

 

We floated out onto the dance floor and led me perfectly. He was holding me close to his body, I could feel his warmth. It was like the first time the sun had shone on me after three months of nothing but snow and rain. I was looking into his fathomless gray eyes, and I thought I might get lost in their depths. He was  _ everything _ in my life that was right. He gave me this life, took me away from Keramzin and let me shine. 

 

He was a breath of fresh air and I was a drowning girl. 

 

I didn’t know what to do, but the song turned into a slow song, probably the final song of the night. He touched his forehead to mine and I sighed, he held me as we swayed to the music. 

 

I wanted to feel him, to touch him but knew better. He would be so angry and it would ruin the moment. So I let him carry us to the soft melody of the music and pressed my hands against his chest. 

 

The music slowed to a stop and we ended the dance he was breathing hard and so was I, not that the dance had been a particularly strenuous one. 

 

My eyes dropped to his lips, his soft, smooth lips, and I leaned in. 

 

“Solnishka, we have gifts to exchange,” he whispered, he hadn’t moved away. He was looking into my eyes and my heart was beating fast. 

 

“The only gift I want is you,” I said huskily. 

 

Just like that, he was backing away from me as if I’d slapped him. 

 

“Alina, let’s go the party is over,” his voice was scratchy. 

 

I didn’t know what to say, so I went with him to give him his gift. 

 

*~*~*

 

A few weeks passed and I started seeing a boy, maybe two or three years older than me walking around the grand palace when I went to see Genya. 

 

He was tall, had golden hair and too-clever hazel eyes. He was always wearing an infantry uniform but he didn’t seem to be a grunt. 

 

One day he introduced himself to me. 

 

“You must be Alina Starkov.” 

 

I hesitated, “I-uh-yeah. I’m also late.” 

 

He laughed, it sounded like water cascading over cliffs. 

 

“Are you lost?” 

 

“A little yeah, I can never remember which way the kitchen is.” 

 

“The kitchen?” He said, “What would you be doing in the kitchen?”

 

“Oh… um ... never mind.” 

 

He shook his head, “You’re going to visit Genya, aren’t you?” 

 

I folded my arms across my chest, “Yes, and if you don’t have anything nice to say then don’t say it at all.” 

 

He huffed a laugh and started walking toward the direction I thought the kitchen was in, “I’ll show you the way.” 

 

“Thanks, what’s your name?” 

 

“Nikolai, Nikolai Lantsov.” 

 

I stopped, “Your highness! I’m so sorry I didn’t recognize you in your uniform!” 

 

He shrugged, “I’m not here much so I wouldn’t expect you to recognize me.” 

 

“You’re not offended?” 

 

“No!” 

 

And she realized they were at the kitchens. Genya had her back turned and was talking to someone and Nikolai cleared his throat, “The Sun Summoner for Miss Safin.” 

 

I hadn’t been addressed by my title… ever. 

 

Genya spun and smiled, “ _ Sobachka _ !” 

 

They hugged and I tried to hide my amusement, but it made sense that they would be friends, they were the same age and Genya was always around the Grand Palace. 

 

We ended up talking, the three of us for several hours and I was late for lessons with Baghra. 

 

I arrived at Baghra’s hut out of breath and covered in a fine powdering of snow, “Sorry I’m late.” 

 

I closed the door and looked up, Baghra and the Darkling were in the hut. 

 

“I can come back if you two are busy,” I offered. 

 

“Your lessons are at an end, Alina,” the Darkling said coolly. 

 

“I-I what? I didn’t do anything wrong did I?” 

 

Baghra harrumphed, “I cannot teach someone who does not possess the potential to utilize their powers!”

 

I sighed, “Of course.” 

 

The Darkling didn’t look happy, “You will summon in the afternoons since your health seems to take such a dive when you don’t but until… until it’s time you will no longer have lessons.” 

 

“And after?” I asked timidly. 

 

“You won’t need lessons.” 

 

I sighed, “Ok, well I guess I’ll just go study.” 

 

The Darkling turned to face Baghra and it seemed that I was dismissed. 

 

*~*~*~*

 

I was in Genya’s small room in the grand palace she was practicing on my hair. She was using an amulet to turn my hair purple. It was a new technique for her and some of the color wasn’t entirely even. 

 

“So how’s it going with the Darkling?” 

 

“It’s not going at all,” I huffed. 

 

“Nikolai seems to like you,” Genya said in passing. 

 

I laughed, “Yeah except he’s in the First Army. He’s going back to the field isn’t he?” 

 

Genya frowned, “Yes, but you could write to him.” 

 

“The Darkling would love that,” I said bitterly. 

 

“I actually think he would, Nikolai is your age, he’s in the army so there would be no touching, and he’s a nice guy.” 

 

I thought about that… she wanted to be touched, though. I thought Nikolai was very attractive but… he was  _ otkazat’sya _ . The Darkling would be so angry. 

 

“How long will he be here for?”

 

“Another week, I’d say.” 

 

“He’s the prince of Ravka, Genya, I wouldn’t know how to approach him.” 

 

“Alina, you’re just as much royalty as he is. You’re the Black Lotus, the Darkling’s protege. He would be honored to see you.” 

 

“The Black Lotus? Is that what they’re calling me now?” 

 

“All Saints, Alina, I’m going to have you dig you out of the rock you live under.” 

 

I grumbled something uncomplimentary under her breath, “So should I invite him to tea?” 

 

“Do whatever you want Alina, he likes you!” Genya said and began touching up the uneven spots of purple. 

 

I sat and thought for a long time while Genya evened up the color. I was in love with someone else. I knew Nikolai was a nice boy but it would probably cause the Darkling to be very angry with me for daring to let someone else court me. I didn’t  _ want  _ to be courted by Nikolai either. I wanted the Darkling and only the Darkling. 

 

Eventually, Genya finished up the color and showed me in the mirror. I looked amazing. I wanted to show the Darkling, wanted him to praise me and kiss me and hold me but… he had been so cool with me recently. 

 

What a hellish winter this was going to be. Without my Darkling, the winters were brutal and cold and I hated it. 

 

He may have wielded darkness but just the sound of his voice felt like warm summer sun on my cheeks. 

 

*~*~*

 

It was near Saint Valentine’s Day when I spoke with the Darkling next. I had been summoning because I didn’t want to disappoint him but the sun that lived in my veins cast only a cold light when I was so unhappy. 

 

It was a brutal night when the Darkling knocked on my door the wind was whipping outside my window and snow pelted the ground. 

 

I opened the door and found the Darkling giving me a stern look. 

 

“Hi,” I said timidly. 

 

He frowned and pushed his way inside. 

 

“The Winter Fete is in one week, I need you by my side for the night.” 

 

I swallowed hard, being around him like this was like torture, “Of course.” I said softly. 

 

He sighed heavily and stepped forward, “Alina, I can hear the hurt in your voice.” 

 

My eyebrows shot into my hairline, “Don’t pretend that you know what this is doing to me. Everything is so hard when you won’t speak to me.”

 

He tucked a stray strand of hair behind my ear, “ _ Solnishka _  if I didn’t keep my distance I would… I would ravish you daily.” 

 

I blushed, he never spoke to me this way. 

 

“Which is why you will only be there for the demonstration of our combined powers. I have decided to have a date for the night.” 

 

My jaw dropped and I shook my head, “No. No. How could I watch you with someone else? How could you even entertain the idea!” My voice was gutted and I felt like my heart weighed about a ton. 

 

The Darkling began stepping away, “I’ll have a dress made for you. We will demonstrate our powers and then you are free to do what you will just stay clear of me.” 

 

I was truly shaking, “Please don’t do this.” The Darkling was trying to turn away from me but I caught his hand. He turned in my grip and suddenly I was being kissed. 

 

His body was warm, and his hand was at the back of my neck guiding my head upward to explore his mouth. He tasted sweet like he’d just had tea with four spoons of sugar. He was… all-consuming and before I knew what I was doing I had my leg hooked to his hip. 

 

That seemed to break the spell though. He pulled away, slightly breathless and his eyes blown wide. “That can’t happen again for a long time,” his voice was deathly cold and there was a pain in his voice that made me shudder. Seeing him so wrecked by my touch did something to the very fiber of my being. 

 

He swept out of my room and I was left knowing there would never be anyone else for me. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I live for kudos and comments!

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave a comment or kudos if you enjoyed!


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